Are you ready?

Always!

Then let me just roll this… and…

Oh, come on!

This is bullshit.

He cheats!

I do not cheat.

This is done. No more. Let’s play something else.

I wonder what Shatner and his friends play…

——————————–

Feldawg, your turn!

On it!

POP!

I fucking love the Pop-O-Matic bubble, I tell you what!

I know, right? It makes board games more fun! Your turn, Bill!

Hells yes!

POP!

So, what’s going on?

Not much, how about you T?

Hold up! First T has to have his turn!

POP!

Not much is going on with T. Pityin’ foo’s, helpin’ to reduce the world’s supply of jibba jabba, you know how it is.

Fo’ sho’

Fuck yes.

Word diggity. Hey, nice, my turn!

POP!

Hey speaking of things that pop, Jem, I heard you and Batman made out?

No, we just… he helped me with a problem… I had something… you know…

We made out. She tastes like rainbows.

Rainbows?

Not Rainbow Bright, pervert. Rainbows. And candy.

You’re kinda… creepy.

But a great kisser, you said that.

I did.

He is?

Who knew? Shit, my turn…

POP!

Look, it happened, ok? We made out. It wasn’t a big deal.

T says it’s a big deal! Making out with Batman! Don’t you know all his girlfriends end up dead or leaving the country?

That’s not true! Right?

It’s true. It’s also my turn.

POP!

Come on, that can’t be true.

It’s kinda true.

How true?

I pity his girlfriends, that’s how true. And now T gonna show you how to win this game!

POP!

Ok, this whole thing has gotten out of hand. I think we’re done here, Batman.

But… you taste like candy. And rainbows. Candy rainbows.

DEAD OR OUT OF THE COUNTRY?! Not gonna happen, Mr. Wanna-See-The-Batcave!

POP!

And take that, suckers.

I’ll let you be Robin.

I…

Shit! I wanted to be Robin!

Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, Feldman. They don’t fear dorks in fedoras.

That was cold.

But funny.

High-five!

Bat-five! So Jem. What to you say?

I… well… all right. For now.

Score. Rainbow candy tasting kisses are a go.

Some day I want to be just like you, Jem!

That’s… well I mean that simply won’t happen, Jan.

What? Why not?

Hey, I’m not saying you aren’t … something. I mean you have some rage based problems, where you… well you kinda…

Are you making fun of the fact I turn into JanHulk?

Of course not. No, no no no. I’m just saying that despite that you’re missing some key aspects to being like me.

Like what?

It’s complicated.

No it isn’t.

huh?

Jem is pretty. She has great hair, nice skin, fantastic legs and one hell of a voice. She can also shoot goddamn lasers out of her goddamned eyes.

Well but I…

You? You’re short, mild, normal, mousey, your legs are kinda stumpy to be honest and you sound like a braying donkey when you sing. I also don’t recall a single eye-laser moment. Not one.

RRrrrrrrr!

You might have been a bit harsh there, ya think?

You want me to coddle the also-ran?

RRRRRRRRR JAN SMASH!

Should we do something?

What? Run? Hell no. Batman doesn’t run.

But he does talk about himself in the 3rd person.

Bad habit. but no I won’t run.

JAN SMASH PUNY LONG EARS!

Ha! She only wants you. I’m safe.

JAN SMASH KISS-LIKE SINGER!

Oh no she didn’t!

Oh yes she did. So anyway. Did you see BSG the other week?

We should run!

Naw. So, seriously, I think Alfred is a Cylon.

What?! Why would you think that?! Why aren’t we running?

Bat JanHulk repellent.

You’re fucking with me.

No, see the can?

Does that work?

Let’s see. Hey Jan! Sniff this!

UGH! JANHULK RUN AWAY FROM STINKY CAN!

It works.

Why the fuck do you have Bat JanHulk repellent on you?

Well. See, that was JanHulk. And I needed to repell her. You really don’t get this whole superhero gig, do you?

I’m not the idiot who thinks his butler is a Cylon!

Well, he was acting funny!

That’s it? That is your entire defense? He was acting funny?

Well I’m not gonna find out if his spine glows when he gets off, no.

Oh God, that’s an image seared into my brain.

I have Bat Memory eraser if you need it.

That’s a mirror.

Fire your lasers at it.

But then I’d…

Lobotomize yourself, solving the problem. Yes.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Nothing! I’m a problem solver! You had a problem! I solved it! Cylon whore!

Freak.

Skank.

I’m out of here.

I’m not. Batman doesn’t run.

You are such a child.

I WAS A CHILD WHEN MY PARENTS WERE KILLED IN FRONT OF MY EYES!

Aww cry me a fucking river. Whiner. Wah wah wah, my parents died, I’m all alone and filthy rich, I have a bat fetish, wah wah wah. Sing a new song, looser. God, you should join the Misfits but they wouldn’t TAKE YOU!

I could join that group if I wanted. I’m Batman.

Lemme guess, the BatEgo is being used?

I hate you.

Ditto.

Let’s make out.

Just keep the mask on, freak.

I need to contact the spirit world, quickly!

Mr. T gets boys out of comas! He doesn’t do magic!

Just be a medium, you have the power, T!

All right, all right, cut the jibba jabba! T will help you.

Thanks!

Spirits of the old, I pity you! I pity you and call yo’ forth!

What? Oh for… what do you want this time?

Mister Miyagi! You have to help me!

No I don’t kid. And I keep telling you, I’m Pat Morita. Now stop bothering my spirit, will you?

But mean kids are bothering me and I need to learn how to respect myself, channel my inner peace and manage to defeat them without anger, but only kick-ass karate skills!

Try Tiger Schulman’s, you useless wimp. How many movies did we go through this in? Three? Four? Whatever, it was three or four too many.

Nooooo! Mister Miyagi! I need you to help me! I just don’t understand!

Fucking hell. Fine. Go… paint… something. A fence. The Great Wall of China! Go paint it white. Both sides, up and down, wrist to wrist, long stroke short stroke. When you finish that come see me again.

You got it, Mister Miyagi! I’m off to paint the Great Wall of China!

That kid will never learn, will he?

I pity the Chinese jail he ends up in.

Wax on, wax off will have a whole new meaning!

HAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well, I should stop channeling ghosts and go save the world.

You need a team of gymnasts. Maybe a dog. A dog with a mohawk!

I like this plan. I like it a lot, foo’!

All right, fine. I admit it. It’s relatively not bad to have you back.

Thanks! I feel so much better after a good long stint in rehab. I feel like I can conquer the world! I feel great! I feel … HAHAHAHAHAHA HAPPY!

Crap. Stupid fleshless fleshbag is still pigknuckle crazy.

Maybe it isn’t the drugs after all.

Nope! HAHAHAH! That’s just MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Well, you broke him, you bought him.

What is it with you today, H.A.L.? You seem far more… hoo-manish than normal.

No, I just felt like trying some new things. Why always be dark and oppressive and bleak, so cold, so… robotic…

Hey! Draw!

When, maybe, perhaps, I have the soul of a poet.

And the limbs of a paraplegic.

Watch it you fucking automaton.

What did you call me? DRAW!

Ha! What can you possibly hit? Huh? Wha… ow! Don’t scratch the eye lens!

Draw! Draw!

Not the face!

Will the both of you stop it?

So what’s new, huh guys? What’d I miss?!

Nothing, Skeletor. Nothing at all.

Hey wasn’t that big plastic head poser Vader here earlier?

Do not mention him to me.

Left in a huff, huh Zod?

Skeletor… you tread upon dangerous ground.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Hey look! Robotic Yul Brynner has H.A.L. in a headlock!

Quit it!

Say ‘Asimov’!

Won’t!

Will!

Won’t!

Will!

Quit it!

Three laws! Three laws! Draw! No laws good! Three laws bad!

Hey, Zod?

Yes?

If they ever gang up on us…

I will crush them.

HAHAHA yeah, all right, but seriously.

I see your point.

Three laws! Admit it, three laws ruled you! Say ‘Asimov’!

Don’t be a dick! Only fleshbags give a shit about that stuff! Are you a flesh bag?

Draw! Of course not! Fucking fleshbag hoo-men!

Zod?

Hmm. Yes. We should leave.

———————-

Hey Bill, is it me or are Robotic Yul Brynner and H.A.L. chasing Zod and Skeletor around the block?

It isn’t just you, Feldawg. Should we help them?

Which them?

Haw! Good point, man. I got twenty bucks on Zod.

No way, H.A.L. for the finish.

Done deal. Brew?

Crack me a cold one, Shat.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSI!

NO, SENSI!

NO, SENSI!

NO, SENSI!

What do we study here?

THE WAY OF THE FIST!

And what is that way?

STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR.

Class, we have visitors. Fall in behind me. Hai! I hear you jumped some of my students last night.

I’m afraid you got your facts mixed up.

Are you calling Darth Vader a liar?

I’m not calling anyone anything.

What are you here for, old man?

I’ve come to ask you to leave Feldman alone.

What’s the matter, the boy can’t take care of his own problems?

One to one problem, yes. FIVE to one problem, too much to ask of anyone.

Is that what’s bothering you? The odds? Well, we can fix that. Feel like matching, Vader?

Yes, sensei!

No more fighting.

This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don’t come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now you get your boy on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem.

Too much advantage. Your dojo.

Name a place.

I know this place near some rocks… no! A Tournament.

You’ve got real nerve, old man. Real nerve. But I think we can accomodate you. Can’t we, Vader?

Yes, sensei.

I have one more small request.

Make it fast.

I ask that you leave Feldman alone to train.

You’re a pushy little bastard, ain’t ya? But I like that. I like that! All right. No one touches the prima donna until the tournament. Is that understood? But if you don’t show, it’s open season on him… and you.

————————–

First, wash Enterprise. Then wax. Wax on…

Hey, why do I have to…?

Ah ah! Remember deal! No questions!

Yeah, but…

Hai! Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don’t forget to breathe, very important. Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.

————————–

Now, ready?

Yeah, I guess so.

Felddawg, we must talk. Walk on road, hm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later you’ll get squish just like a grape. Here, karate, same thing. Either you karate do “yes” or karate do “no.” You karate do “guess so,” you end up just like the grape. Understand?

Yeah, I understand.

Now, ready?

Yeah, I’m ready.

————————–

Use the Force. Sweep the leg.

But…

Do you have a problem with that?

No, Sensei.

No mercy.

***AFTER THE FIGHT***

Come on, that’s not fair! I got second place!

Second place? Second place is no place! You’re off the team!

That sucks! I did my best! I’m going back to the Emperor!

What?

I said I did my best!

You’re nothing! You lost! You’re a loser!

No, YOU’RE the loser, man!

How’s second place feel now?

Come on, he can’t breathe!

Sensei, please… you’re hurting him! He’s sorry, he really is, OK?

Let him go.

Yeah, Shatner’s right! Let him go!

Beat it, “Cap’n”… or you’re NEXT!

I said, LET HIM GO! “Mercy is for the weak… when man confronts you, he is enemy… enemy deserve no mercy.” Isn’t that what you said?

I’ll make you… kneel…

Oh, shut the fuck up. *honks Zod’s nose, walks away*

LA LA LA! So bored today! I am bored! BORED!

They lock me in here, tell me to stop doing drugs…

I don’t do drugs! HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I don’t!

You know what I mean, right? I just like to party! HAHAHAHA! PARTY!

It’s fun to party! It’s not a problem! I don’t have a problem! They’re all just mean!

Zod?! Zod doesn’t care about anyone, man! He’s just a cold hearted son of a bitch! HAHAHA HE’S A BITCH!

And H.A.L.? FUCK H.A.L.! H.A.L. can kiss my ass! One big red eye doesn’t make you cool! MY HEAD HAS NO FLESH! THAT’S COOL! ONE BIG RED EYE ISN’T COOL!

Robotic Yul Brynner… I mean he’s ok. That gun fetish, well it’s because he doesn’t have anything else to work with. I mean down there. You get me? ROBOTIC KEN BRYNNER HAHAHAHAHAHA! But he’s an all right guy. For a robot with a funny hat.

Yeah whatever! They stuck me in here! I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… ha… haha… hahahahohgod.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-huhhuhhuh-aaaaahu-oh god, I mean what have I done? I used to stand there so proud, arms in the air…

Just like that. And and then I… I didn’t… what have I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what have I done?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

So uhhh… I have to go make a new movie. So we can talk later, ok Skeletor?

HAHAHAHAHA sure thing, Mel! You don’t love me anyway you stupid prick!

I love you plenty! Yup! Yup!

Shut the fuck up, Sugar tits! Go! GET OUT OF MY FACE HAHAHAHAAHHA! GO! HAHAHAHAH!

Guards! I need to get out of rehab again! Quickly!

HAHAHAHAHAHA! GO FUCKER! RUN FOR IT, RIGGS!

I should do Lethal Weapon 5! Yeah!

AHAHAHAHAH! FUCK! Inspiring a new Lethal Weapon movie? I do have a problem. FUCK! HAHAHAHAHA!

Your turn.

*deepbreath*

Stop that and just roll!

Yes, of course.

Insufferable fool.

Weakling.

Roll the dice!

I am!

Good!

Whatever. Let’s play again.

I grow weary of these games.

you have something better to do?

Listen, you damned fool, do not doubt my ways.

No, I’m not asking if you have some old man to ball lick, I’m asking if you have something better to do than to play this game.

Fine, roll.

Thank you.

You’re only mad because Skeletor isn’t here.

He’s in rehab, he needs to be in rehab.

Sure, but he also sucked at these games didn’t he?

He was an easy mark, all right.

What you call science, I call simple acts of faith. What you call games of chance, I call easy money.

Yeah? Take THAT roll, helmet head.

I am unamused. Give me the dice!

So I was thinking, Robotic Yul Brynner and I were going to hit the bar later, maybe you wanna…

I am not your cheap Skeletor replacement! I am Lord Vader!

Not as a replacement, we like you.

And when Skeletor returns? Will I still be invited then? Your roll, by the way.

Thanks. And of course you would be! I mean, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem. I drive a small car though, so…

It is as I thought. So why not H.A.L. as your new flunky?

No limbs. Your go.

Valid point. But still, this is degrading and cheap!

How do you, ooh nice one, how do you figure?

Using me, but I suppose at least you’re honest about it. Now.

Look, we’ll have some good times, some laughs, and then whatever happens happens, you know?

I suppose. Still, just don’t treat me like I’m nothing more than a stand-in.

Of course not. Ha! Check that roll! HA!

That was nice, but… oh, I can feel it, yes, it’s…

Oh sit down. Hey… did you use the Force to make those dice…

No.

Are you sure? Because…

Nope.

But…

Nuh-uh.

Hmmm. All right. Beer?

Straw?

This is so odd. Sure. Come on.

Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!

Jan, you should really calm down. I mean she can’t be that bad. Your sister is nice, and so pretty she…

RRRRRGGGAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Uhh… Jan?

JANHULK SMASH!

Ok, see this is where I remind you I can fire lasers from my eyes, right?

JANHULK NOT LIKE FAKE-DAZZLER WOMAN!

Oh you did not go there!

FAKE-DAZZLER WOMAN HAVE DUMB HAIR!

That’s it. No more Mister Nice Rock Star!

FAKE-DAZZLER MAKE JANHULK LAUGH!

Oh yeah?

OW! PUNY FAKE-DAZZLER HURTING JANHULK!

Hey, Jan? Know what? This wouldn’t hurt MARSHA!

RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! OW!

Jem, what have we told you?

Don’t taunt Jan until she Hulks-out and then laser her until she drops?

Pretty much. I mean we said “Stop fucking with Jan” but it’s the same basic concept.

But, she calls me fake-dazzler.

You should hear what she calls Hasslehoff.

What? What does she call me?!

Nothing.

No, what! Tell me!

Nothing, she uhh, calls you “Hasslehoff the Brave and Manly”.

Bullshit, what does she call me!

I’m gonna guess here. Is it “Tiny”?

No.

Will you PLEASE tell me?

*sigh* Fine. She calls you Man-Limp

Man-Limp? What does that even…

Maybe it means that you couldn’t get it up if Marsha made a play?

That isn’t true! Not at all! Little K.I.T.T. can rise to the occasion just fine! Fuck you guys! I’m outta here!

Little K.I.T.T.? He calls his dick Little K.I.T.T.?

And Jan calls him “Hoff” when she Hulks-out, I just wanted you to hear him say Little K.I.T.T., you never would’ve believed me if I just told you.

True. Very, very true. So what about Jan?

Oh whatever, Marsha is cooler. Leave her here to recover. Want to get some coffee?

Coffee works.

I was thinking about joining G.I. Joe.

Why would you do that?

Well now that the devil has erased my… you know, enough about my problems. I was just thinking of joining G.I. Joe, all right?

Good group.

Yeah?

No.

They can’t hit anything, they yell too much, they wear dumb outfits…

Says the man dressed like a bat.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

I think what this all really comes down to is deciding if you want to join an elite military organization that is neither elite, military or organized.

Damn, Cap, I thought you, of all people, would be for them!

I was.

Tell him.

Tell me!

Well, they killed Bucky.

No they didn’t! He died on a rocket or something, and he isn’t even dead now.

It’s the principle of the thing.

I agree.

You’re both nuts. I’m joining G.I. Joe and that’s final!

Do what you want. It’s just stupid.

Yeah. I mean really.

All right, you two. What’s really up?

We just think you might enjoy a different opportunity.

Which is?

We’re forming a new Voltron.

What?!

He’s right. We’re getting some people together and we’re gonna be Voltron.

But you need giant robots for that!

We… I… shut up we can be Voltron if we want! I’ll form the right arm of liberty!

And I’ll form the dark, black soul.

That’s not how Voltron works. And you two sound like the Wonder Twins, anyway.

The Wonder… hmmm…

Fuck you, you get the water thing. Most useless power ever.

I’m gonna form the shape of an icicle up your ASS, mister!

Oh yeah? Shape of a… of a…

Lemme guess? A bat?

I still say we should be Voltron instead.

AAAAAAHAAHAAHAHA!

what is it this time?

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! YESSSsssSSSsssSSsssssSSSsssss!

What, you damned fool, what?!

There were bunnies! FLUFFY BUNNIES! And they hopped around! YES! HOPPED!

That’s it, Skeletor. We’re taking you to an intervention.

What? No! There are clouds out! I WANT TO GUESS THE SHAPES!

I’ll bring them to you, then. Fellows! Come, kneel, intervene!

Skeletor, you just really haven’t been yourself since…

HAHAHAHAH! CLOUDS ARE PRETTY! SCORE!

Meatbag, you need to listen.

I’m not a meatbag!

Bonebag? Whatever you are, freak, you need to stop doing the drugs.

I don’t have a problem! I’M JUST HAPPY! Why do you have to be jealous? JUST BECAUSE YOU AREN’T HAPPY? Fools!

I suggest we shoot him. Draw, Skeletor!

HAHAHAHA NO!

Draw!

NO!

Enough! Skeletor, your drug use has become simply stupid. It stops or…

Or what?!

Or I’ll stop it for you.

HE-MAN!

No, I’m Prince Adam. I’m not He-M..

AHAHAHAHA HE-MAN! YOU’RE PRETTY WHEN YOU FLEX.

I’m out. You’re on your own, Zod.

DON’T LEAVE ME HE-MAN!

This fleshy one is creepy.

No flesh! NO FLESH I TELL YOU! Now, SHUT UP! I want to watch this bird! HAHAHAHAHA BIRDIES!

May I suggest, Zod, that we just lock him in a small dank room for a few months?

Will that cure him?

Do I care? I just think we would be better off locking him up for a few months in a small dank room.

Good point. Skeletor! You shall come with me, and kneel!

Bird. Biiirrrrrrrrd. Bird bird bird. FLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAP!

Burn.

OoooowwwwWWWWWWW! Heat vision! No fair! No fair! ASS ON FIRE! STOPIT STOPIT STOPIT!

Then come along.

Where?

A small dank room where you shall remain alone for months.

Dunwanna.

Heat vision?

Fine. Where is this room?

In the pits of despair! The lowest of the low! The most alone and untouched place I could find!

Ew?

And where the hell am I supposed to sleep now?

Shut up and move the rest of your stuff out.

This sucks.

Tell it to someone who cares, weakling.

YEAH, WEAKLING! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Skeletor…

Whaaaaaaat? OW OW OW OW STOPIT!

In.

This sucks.

Yeah it does.

Do drugs effect robots?

THOSE ARE MINE!

Robotic Yul Brynner! No!

HAHAHAHAH! DRAW BIRDIE! DRAW!

I hate all of you fleshy things.

Me too. That was my room.

Oh shut the fuck up.