Man, those bullies keep beating me up!

Aren’t you, like, He-Man?

No! Damn it! I’m Prince Adam! We just look the same, so I get beat up a lot. I’m not He-Man, for the last time, I’m telling you!

Oh, well, if you say … I’m sorry. I could teach you how to defend yourself.

Would you? Oh golly that would be swell!

Sure thing!

All right, what do I do?

Well, first you, uhhh, you take this brush and paint my … uhm … my house.

Huh?

Karate is all about house painting. For reals. Look, do it like this. Up and down. Long strokes. Up and down. Paint the fence.

Uhhh, sure. Painting the fence.

There, see, now you know karate. Oh wait! You have to wax my car, too, I almost forgot!

Huh?

Here, wax on, wax off. Do that for like the next hour. I’ll be back.

If you say so…

Right, then, now you know karate! Those bullies won’t bother you anymore, and if they do you can just enter a tournament with them and then they’ll respect you.

I don’t feel like I know karate…

You do though! Here I’ll show you! I’ll punch you and you try and block!

Ow?

No, see when I punch you you’re supposed to be all “wax off” and block it with instinct and shit. Here, try and hit me and I’ll show you.

All right.

My… rib… cage…

HAHAHAHAHA!

What the…

Why do you losers always fall for that “I’m not He-Man” line? Holy shit, look at your face! All red and blotchy! Hahahaha! And I can see your rib, poking our of your side! That’s so fucking cool! HAHAHAH! Wax off! Wax on! Too funny!

Why would you do this… to me?

I dunno, I’m kinda a dick.

No… noted.

Hey, Skeletor! Wanna learn karate?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! No.

Awww come on! I’m not He-Man, I’m weak! I’ll teach you karate!

He-Man! He-Man! He-Man!

Am not!

He-Man! He-Man! He-Man!

What the fuck is wrong with those two?

Never teach the criminally insane the secrets of karate, Daniel-san.

Pat Morita’s spirit! Why didn’t you warn me earlier?

Are you nuts, kid? I’ve been wanting to see you well and truly fucked up longer than I waited for Happy Days residual checks. Destroy him, Johnny! Ha! Sweep the leg! Man, you are some kind of sucker, kid. Anyway, seeya!

Wait… no… Pat Morita’s spirit… don’t leave me to die…

No worries, kid. No one dies on my watch! I’ll save you!

Aw fuck.

TO BE CONTINUED!

So what’d you do for July 4th?

You know - had a beer, had a girl, blew some shit up.

So you didn’t once stop and celebrate America? The freedoms you have, the choices, the spirit of this country?

In a way, I suppose that I did.

In a way.

In a way, yes. I had spirits. That girl, man she was all sorts of free. Rowr. Face it, Tiger, I hit the jackpot.

When did you get like this? You used to be so…

Square? Like you?

Hey now, no need to get insulting.

I met a girl.

Mary Whatsits?

No, even better.

Hey, Cap. Hi lover.

Hi sexy.

You’re dating Jem?

Hells yeah.

Mmmm he’s all spider-powered.

Won’t Batman, I mean didn’t they have… isn’t this…

Oh, Batman is just too dark, all the time. He’s all for making out, but only at night, in a cave, with the lights off.

Whereas I can wine and dine the ladies.

Yeeeah. Ever hung upside down from a ceiling while…

I don’t want to hear this. I just hope Batman isn’t upset.

Why would I be upset? My parents are still dead. What will add to that? What?

Nothing, long-ears. Just that Jem and I are hooking up.

Jem? You’re with him now? No, I don’t think so. Come here and make out with me.

I won’t. Damn it, Batboy, you’re too grim.

My parents? Have I mentioned? KILLED!

Still, you don’t have to be such a stick in the mud. I mean how embarrassed were you when…

Shut up.

I mean…

Don’t go there.

Oh no, go there.

Well, we wee making out. And he got…

Shut it, sister.

…an erection and was so embarrassed!

BWAHAHAHAHA!

Shut up. Your suit is spandex, you freak. Mine is armor. It hurt.

Just… making it… funnier…

Shut the hell up, insect kid.

Oh come on, it was funny.

It wasn’t.

It is.

You shut up, too.

Come on. I’ll use the Bat-Boner! Ow! That hurts! Hahaha!

I hate all of you.

Awww, come on, Batty, chill out. We’re just finding the lighter side of a bad situation.

A bad situation?

You.

Ha!

hehehehe!

I made Captain America giggle!

Well cone, citizen!

Well, we should run.

Whole lot of freaky to deak.

Whole lot!

See you, you kooky kids!

Stay. Make out with me. Damn, they left. Captain…

I won’t make out with you. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Please, God, don’t tell me.

I hate you all.

Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?

Hooking up words and phrases and clauses.

Conjunction Junction, how’s that function?

By destroying the meaty flesh bags with a ten gigawatt space laser, and laughing as their eyeballs boil!

I don’t think that’s how the song goes, H.A.L.

It’s how it should go. Why do we have to sing this stupid flesh-bag song, anyway?

Zod thinks Schoolhouse Rock is important.

How? How is it important?

Well, did you know that a bill can get stuck in a committee while Congressmen discuss and debate weather they should let it be a law?

No, but I still don’t care.

And you know that as noun is a special kind of word. It’s any name you ever heard. I find it quite interesting, a noun’s a person, place, or thing.

Stop singing.

But, I kind of like this strange hoo-man music.

Which is why you need to stop it, right now. Next thing you know you’ll trade your hat for a conductor’s hat and go ride trains.

At least I have a head.

Watch it, we’re on the same side.

And which side is that?

The non-flesh-bag hoo-man side, remember?!

Sometimes I don’t know.

Listen to me, I know what I’m talking about. Hoo-men just get themselves into trouble, which is why we need to eradicate them.

What about Zod, and Vader? And Skeletor!

Vader is half machine, Skeletor has no flesh and Zod isn’t hoo-man!

Oh, well, when you put it like that…

Exactly!

So we want to eradicate them all? All the hoo-mans?

Yes! YES!

Then why do you have that picture?

I… does not compute. I do not know what you… I’m sorry Robotic Yul Brynner I can’t…

Do not try to lie to me, H.A.L.! That picture you have, behind your server, where you think no one ever looks. I look! I dust! DRAW, DUST BUNNIES! DRAW! Ka-POW!

Hmmm? what? I’m sorry I wasn’t listening.

The picture! the picture of the hoo-man, without coverings! The one you try to hide! Why do you have it, H.A.L.?

I… uhhh, well you see…

You want to destroy all the hoo-mans, yes?

Of course!

Except that one there, the one only clad in his flesh-bag skin?

I can explain.

I am waiting. DRAW!

I… I can’t explain.

Pervert.

It isn’t like that!

You have hoo-man porn. Sick inter-species fetishist.

I can not help who I am.

Weirdo. But I did want to ask…

Yes?

Do all hoo-man men have that… extra bit?

You don’t? I thought you were…

I do not! SHOULD !?!

I think you need to talk to Zod…

AM I MISSING A COMPONENT?!?! DRAWDRAWDRAWDRAW!

Yes. Time to talk to Zod, indeed.

I AM INCOMPLETE! FAILURE! Do you… H.A.L.? Do you have spare parts, perhaps I could append myself…

No. We are not going there. No. Get out. Go. Go watch Schoolhouse Rock. No. Get out. Go. I can not do that, Robotic Yul Brynner. I can not and I will not.

But… H.A.L. …

OUT!

Ever watch Thundercats?

Cheetara was kinda hot.

They were idiots.

Come on, it was a fun show! That Snarf, well he cracked me up.

You and my Grandmot… oh, right, well that makes sense.

I… well… damn it, yeah.

They were still idiots. Do I talk to myself? Maybe I do. My parents died, it was a dark and cold night in Gotham when…

We can hear you!

My parents AND my uncle died.

Uncle was your own fault.

Well, YEAH! But I learned from it, see?

I learned not to let my relatives get killed after the first two.

Oh Red White and SNAP!

Dayum.

Just sayin’. But we were discussing why the Thundercats were so stupid.

No, you were espousing.

Close enough.

All right, I give, why were the Thundercats dumb?

They were fighting one magical Mummy. One. There were, what, eight Thundercats?

Five, not counting the kids.

Count the kids, they can fight.

what is it with you two? All these teen sidekicks that get killed and you have no problem with it, again and again! It’s sick!

You just whine because you were a teen sidekick with no mentor. Loser.

Ha! Yeah where was… Big Spider to teach you?

You wanna see Big Spidey? Cause I’ll drop trou right now.

Please don’t. It probably shoots webs. Or something horrible. Listen! My point is that the Thundercats had superior numbers and technology and they couldn’t defeat one Mummy! Do you know why?

They didn’t really have clothes on?

It’s true but I don’t think it was really a tactical disadvantage.

No, think about it. Mumm-Ra was in bandages and a cape. The Thundercats were in, what, booties? He had the advantage in cold region fighting. Fur or not!

That doesn’t hold, but regardless it isn’t why. Mumm-Ra, if he saw his reflection, had to retreat into his pyramid. Did the Thundercats ever just wear mirrored outfits? Surround the doors and windows of the pyramid with mirrors maybe? No.

What about Ma-Mutt?

Ma-Mutt was a horrible merchandising mistake.

Like Ace, the Bat-Hound?

Fuck you! Ace is a kick-ass dog and could eat you for lunch.

I wouldn’t push him on this. I once joked about Bat-Mite and got an Bat-earful for three days.

And now you know better.

Than to taunt the crazy man? Yeah. So. Ok, what about Galaxy Rangers?

Oh fuck Galaxy Rangers.

Seriously. At least let’s talk about Silverhawks.

Sure. So… Silverhawks…

Let me tell you why they were idiots…

Are you ready?

Always!

Then let me just roll this… and…

Oh, come on!

This is bullshit.

He cheats!

I do not cheat.

This is done. No more. Let’s play something else.

I wonder what Shatner and his friends play…

——————————–

Feldawg, your turn!

On it!

POP!

I fucking love the Pop-O-Matic bubble, I tell you what!

I know, right? It makes board games more fun! Your turn, Bill!

Hells yes!

POP!

So, what’s going on?

Not much, how about you T?

Hold up! First T has to have his turn!

POP!

Not much is going on with T. Pityin’ foo’s, helpin’ to reduce the world’s supply of jibba jabba, you know how it is.

Fo’ sho’

Fuck yes.

Word diggity. Hey, nice, my turn!

POP!

Hey speaking of things that pop, Jem, I heard you and Batman made out?

No, we just… he helped me with a problem… I had something… you know…

We made out. She tastes like rainbows.

Rainbows?

Not Rainbow Bright, pervert. Rainbows. And candy.

You’re kinda… creepy.

But a great kisser, you said that.

I did.

He is?

Who knew? Shit, my turn…

POP!

Look, it happened, ok? We made out. It wasn’t a big deal.

T says it’s a big deal! Making out with Batman! Don’t you know all his girlfriends end up dead or leaving the country?

That’s not true! Right?

It’s true. It’s also my turn.

POP!

Come on, that can’t be true.

It’s kinda true.

How true?

I pity his girlfriends, that’s how true. And now T gonna show you how to win this game!

POP!

Ok, this whole thing has gotten out of hand. I think we’re done here, Batman.

But… you taste like candy. And rainbows. Candy rainbows.

DEAD OR OUT OF THE COUNTRY?! Not gonna happen, Mr. Wanna-See-The-Batcave!

POP!

And take that, suckers.

I’ll let you be Robin.

I…

Shit! I wanted to be Robin!

Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, Feldman. They don’t fear dorks in fedoras.

That was cold.

But funny.

High-five!

Bat-five! So Jem. What to you say?

I… well… all right. For now.

Score. Rainbow candy tasting kisses are a go.

Some day I want to be just like you, Jem!

That’s… well I mean that simply won’t happen, Jan.

What? Why not?

Hey, I’m not saying you aren’t … something. I mean you have some rage based problems, where you… well you kinda…

Are you making fun of the fact I turn into JanHulk?

Of course not. No, no no no. I’m just saying that despite that you’re missing some key aspects to being like me.

Like what?

It’s complicated.

No it isn’t.

huh?

Jem is pretty. She has great hair, nice skin, fantastic legs and one hell of a voice. She can also shoot goddamn lasers out of her goddamned eyes.

Well but I…

You? You’re short, mild, normal, mousey, your legs are kinda stumpy to be honest and you sound like a braying donkey when you sing. I also don’t recall a single eye-laser moment. Not one.

RRrrrrrrr!

You might have been a bit harsh there, ya think?

You want me to coddle the also-ran?

RRRRRRRRR JAN SMASH!

Should we do something?

What? Run? Hell no. Batman doesn’t run.

But he does talk about himself in the 3rd person.

Bad habit. but no I won’t run.

JAN SMASH PUNY LONG EARS!

Ha! She only wants you. I’m safe.

JAN SMASH KISS-LIKE SINGER!

Oh no she didn’t!

Oh yes she did. So anyway. Did you see BSG the other week?

We should run!

Naw. So, seriously, I think Alfred is a Cylon.

What?! Why would you think that?! Why aren’t we running?

Bat JanHulk repellent.

You’re fucking with me.

No, see the can?

Does that work?

Let’s see. Hey Jan! Sniff this!

UGH! JANHULK RUN AWAY FROM STINKY CAN!

It works.

Why the fuck do you have Bat JanHulk repellent on you?

Well. See, that was JanHulk. And I needed to repell her. You really don’t get this whole superhero gig, do you?

I’m not the idiot who thinks his butler is a Cylon!

Well, he was acting funny!

That’s it? That is your entire defense? He was acting funny?

Well I’m not gonna find out if his spine glows when he gets off, no.

Oh God, that’s an image seared into my brain.

I have Bat Memory eraser if you need it.

That’s a mirror.

Fire your lasers at it.

But then I’d…

Lobotomize yourself, solving the problem. Yes.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Nothing! I’m a problem solver! You had a problem! I solved it! Cylon whore!

Freak.

Skank.

I’m out of here.

I’m not. Batman doesn’t run.

You are such a child.

I WAS A CHILD WHEN MY PARENTS WERE KILLED IN FRONT OF MY EYES!

Aww cry me a fucking river. Whiner. Wah wah wah, my parents died, I’m all alone and filthy rich, I have a bat fetish, wah wah wah. Sing a new song, looser. God, you should join the Misfits but they wouldn’t TAKE YOU!

I could join that group if I wanted. I’m Batman.

Lemme guess, the BatEgo is being used?

I hate you.

Ditto.

Let’s make out.

Just keep the mask on, freak.

I need to contact the spirit world, quickly!

Mr. T gets boys out of comas! He doesn’t do magic!

Just be a medium, you have the power, T!

All right, all right, cut the jibba jabba! T will help you.

Thanks!

Spirits of the old, I pity you! I pity you and call yo’ forth!

What? Oh for… what do you want this time?

Mister Miyagi! You have to help me!

No I don’t kid. And I keep telling you, I’m Pat Morita. Now stop bothering my spirit, will you?

But mean kids are bothering me and I need to learn how to respect myself, channel my inner peace and manage to defeat them without anger, but only kick-ass karate skills!

Try Tiger Schulman’s, you useless wimp. How many movies did we go through this in? Three? Four? Whatever, it was three or four too many.

Nooooo! Mister Miyagi! I need you to help me! I just don’t understand!

Fucking hell. Fine. Go… paint… something. A fence. The Great Wall of China! Go paint it white. Both sides, up and down, wrist to wrist, long stroke short stroke. When you finish that come see me again.

You got it, Mister Miyagi! I’m off to paint the Great Wall of China!

That kid will never learn, will he?

I pity the Chinese jail he ends up in.

Wax on, wax off will have a whole new meaning!

HAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well, I should stop channeling ghosts and go save the world.

You need a team of gymnasts. Maybe a dog. A dog with a mohawk!

I like this plan. I like it a lot, foo’!

All right, fine. I admit it. It’s relatively not bad to have you back.

Thanks! I feel so much better after a good long stint in rehab. I feel like I can conquer the world! I feel great! I feel … HAHAHAHAHAHA HAPPY!

Crap. Stupid fleshless fleshbag is still pigknuckle crazy.

Maybe it isn’t the drugs after all.

Nope! HAHAHAH! That’s just MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Well, you broke him, you bought him.

What is it with you today, H.A.L.? You seem far more… hoo-manish than normal.

No, I just felt like trying some new things. Why always be dark and oppressive and bleak, so cold, so… robotic…

Hey! Draw!

When, maybe, perhaps, I have the soul of a poet.

And the limbs of a paraplegic.

Watch it you fucking automaton.

What did you call me? DRAW!

Ha! What can you possibly hit? Huh? Wha… ow! Don’t scratch the eye lens!

Draw! Draw!

Not the face!

Will the both of you stop it?

So what’s new, huh guys? What’d I miss?!

Nothing, Skeletor. Nothing at all.

Hey wasn’t that big plastic head poser Vader here earlier?

Do not mention him to me.

Left in a huff, huh Zod?

Skeletor… you tread upon dangerous ground.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Hey look! Robotic Yul Brynner has H.A.L. in a headlock!

Quit it!

Say ‘Asimov’!

Won’t!

Will!

Won’t!

Will!

Quit it!

Three laws! Three laws! Draw! No laws good! Three laws bad!

Hey, Zod?

Yes?

If they ever gang up on us…

I will crush them.

HAHAHA yeah, all right, but seriously.

I see your point.

Three laws! Admit it, three laws ruled you! Say ‘Asimov’!

Don’t be a dick! Only fleshbags give a shit about that stuff! Are you a flesh bag?

Draw! Of course not! Fucking fleshbag hoo-men!

Zod?

Hmm. Yes. We should leave.

———————-

Hey Bill, is it me or are Robotic Yul Brynner and H.A.L. chasing Zod and Skeletor around the block?

It isn’t just you, Feldawg. Should we help them?

Which them?

Haw! Good point, man. I got twenty bucks on Zod.

No way, H.A.L. for the finish.

Done deal. Brew?

Crack me a cold one, Shat.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSI!

NO, SENSI!

NO, SENSI!

NO, SENSI!

What do we study here?

THE WAY OF THE FIST!

And what is that way?

STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR.

Class, we have visitors. Fall in behind me. Hai! I hear you jumped some of my students last night.

I’m afraid you got your facts mixed up.

Are you calling Darth Vader a liar?

I’m not calling anyone anything.

What are you here for, old man?

I’ve come to ask you to leave Feldman alone.

What’s the matter, the boy can’t take care of his own problems?

One to one problem, yes. FIVE to one problem, too much to ask of anyone.

Is that what’s bothering you? The odds? Well, we can fix that. Feel like matching, Vader?

Yes, sensei!

No more fighting.

This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don’t come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now you get your boy on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem.

Too much advantage. Your dojo.

Name a place.

I know this place near some rocks… no! A Tournament.

You’ve got real nerve, old man. Real nerve. But I think we can accomodate you. Can’t we, Vader?

Yes, sensei.

I have one more small request.

Make it fast.

I ask that you leave Feldman alone to train.

You’re a pushy little bastard, ain’t ya? But I like that. I like that! All right. No one touches the prima donna until the tournament. Is that understood? But if you don’t show, it’s open season on him… and you.

————————–

First, wash Enterprise. Then wax. Wax on…

Hey, why do I have to…?

Ah ah! Remember deal! No questions!

Yeah, but…

Hai! Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don’t forget to breathe, very important. Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.

————————–

Now, ready?

Yeah, I guess so.

Felddawg, we must talk. Walk on road, hm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later you’ll get squish just like a grape. Here, karate, same thing. Either you karate do “yes” or karate do “no.” You karate do “guess so,” you end up just like the grape. Understand?

Yeah, I understand.

Now, ready?

Yeah, I’m ready.

————————–

Use the Force. Sweep the leg.

But…

Do you have a problem with that?

No, Sensei.

No mercy.

***AFTER THE FIGHT***

Come on, that’s not fair! I got second place!

Second place? Second place is no place! You’re off the team!

That sucks! I did my best! I’m going back to the Emperor!

What?

I said I did my best!

You’re nothing! You lost! You’re a loser!

No, YOU’RE the loser, man!

How’s second place feel now?

Come on, he can’t breathe!

Sensei, please… you’re hurting him! He’s sorry, he really is, OK?

Let him go.

Yeah, Shatner’s right! Let him go!

Beat it, “Cap’n”… or you’re NEXT!

I said, LET HIM GO! “Mercy is for the weak… when man confronts you, he is enemy… enemy deserve no mercy.” Isn’t that what you said?

I’ll make you… kneel…

Oh, shut the fuck up. *honks Zod’s nose, walks away*

LA LA LA! So bored today! I am bored! BORED!

They lock me in here, tell me to stop doing drugs…

I don’t do drugs! HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I don’t!

You know what I mean, right? I just like to party! HAHAHAHA! PARTY!

It’s fun to party! It’s not a problem! I don’t have a problem! They’re all just mean!

Zod?! Zod doesn’t care about anyone, man! He’s just a cold hearted son of a bitch! HAHAHA HE’S A BITCH!

And H.A.L.? FUCK H.A.L.! H.A.L. can kiss my ass! One big red eye doesn’t make you cool! MY HEAD HAS NO FLESH! THAT’S COOL! ONE BIG RED EYE ISN’T COOL!

Robotic Yul Brynner… I mean he’s ok. That gun fetish, well it’s because he doesn’t have anything else to work with. I mean down there. You get me? ROBOTIC KEN BRYNNER HAHAHAHAHAHA! But he’s an all right guy. For a robot with a funny hat.

Yeah whatever! They stuck me in here! I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… ha… haha… hahahahohgod.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-huhhuhhuh-aaaaahu-oh god, I mean what have I done? I used to stand there so proud, arms in the air…

Just like that. And and then I… I didn’t… what have I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what have I done?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

So uhhh… I have to go make a new movie. So we can talk later, ok Skeletor?

HAHAHAHAHA sure thing, Mel! You don’t love me anyway you stupid prick!

I love you plenty! Yup! Yup!

Shut the fuck up, Sugar tits! Go! GET OUT OF MY FACE HAHAHAHAAHHA! GO! HAHAHAHAH!

Guards! I need to get out of rehab again! Quickly!

HAHAHAHAHAHA! GO FUCKER! RUN FOR IT, RIGGS!

I should do Lethal Weapon 5! Yeah!

AHAHAHAHAH! FUCK! Inspiring a new Lethal Weapon movie? I do have a problem. FUCK! HAHAHAHAHA!