Today you get a link right here to Marisa Tomei topless. NSFW, obviously.

That’s it for now, on hellblazer. No time for content, Doctor Jones. But there is always time for topless Marisa Tomei.

So Monday night happened, the way it will. Quiet night, mostly. Mostly a bunch of us traded cat stories, like you do, and drank and hung out. I played spotter, as is my job. You know, when M is talking to folks at one corner of the bar she has her back to the rest of the place and I can still see it, so it becomes my job to go “M, you’re being paged.”

It’s a job.

Then later M rubbed her hands together with glee and gave a small evil laugh. “I’m planning some evil,” she said.

I looked concerned. “Wait, you’re going to plan evil without me?”

“Well, it isn’t really evil, no I wouldn’t plan EVIL without you.”

“Thanks,” I said and turned to Hammerpants, “You know I call shotgun on Satan.”

Later still I stood up to head down to the bathroom and my bag strap fell off my knee, twisted partly around the chair and looped over my foot. So I almost went headfirst into the floor, for about a second, which made M and Hammerpants wonder how much I had to drink. Really, it was the strap.

While downstairs I passes these two guys discussing guitarists.

“You know who has a little Hendrix in him?” the first guy asked.

“No, who?”

“Prince.”

“Fair enough.”

I had to leave quickly before I stopped to point out that Prince could only FIT a little bit of Hendrix in him. I mean Hendrix was kinda tall. Prince is the opposite of that.

So yeah, quiet night.

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The preview should be safe enough for work. Don’t hit play though unless you want to see Smurf Porn. Yes, people painted blue, in little white outfits, smurfing like there’s no tomorrow. They smurf and smurf and you won’t believe your eyes when they start to smurf. Did I mention it was in Spanish? Live action smurf porn in Spanish. Yup.

First up is the Avurt IM-5 Launcher. It’s a non-lethal device, tossing out semi-auto rounds up to 40 feet.

The rounds themselves use PAVA powder, apparently a variant on pepper spray.

More importantly it comes in blue, black red and pink. Because your $300 future-pepper-spray-gun thing should damn well accessorize properly.

All right children. Question and answer time. I ask the questions! You give the answers! These are both going to be fairly sexual in nature so consider yourselves warned. Or don’t. Just close your eyes and drop your pants and everything will be just fine. You trust me, don’t you? What? No, that isn’t the sound of a rubber glove you just heard. Ignore it. Just focus on the questions.

Question One: How much would you charge if someone wanted to make a Real Doll of you? They wouldn’t be there when the casting was done but the doll would be a replica of you to the pore. Exactly, or as close as Real Dolls can get, like you in face and body. What would it take to get you to say yes to that?

Question Two: This question needs some back story! I heard a story today from a friend of mine about someone who masturbated in his office. He really couldn’t wait to get home or go to a bathroom and so he ended up pulling up the edge of his chair mat and jerking off against it. Now, as fucked up as that human is, he is not the question. The question is simple. What piece of office furniture would you fuck first, if you had to fuck one? Men? Women? Rubbing ff on a file cabinet? Going to town with your Red Swingline? Mouse up your ass? Dear lord don’t stick your dick in the shredder!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you… Harry Potter and the Exposed Cock. I won’t post the image here, because hey not exactly work safe, ya dig? Daniel Radcliffe, fully nude, standing in front of that horse.

Wanna see his wand?(Remember - NSFW)
So there ya go. Ron is off somewhere crying. Hermione is… well after seeing this pic she was… well her expression and gut reaction say it all:

So there you have it. a little male full frontal nudity to start your Friday. Don’t say I never did nothing for you.

Edit: This may be a photoshop job. His mother IS jewish after all and it looks a bit odd. So decide for yourself.

Pauly Shore gets heckled. And then he gets fucking DECKED. Sound is NSFW and contains much with the cursing. But uhhh…

The Wea-SEL got PU-UNCHED.

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EDIT: It was faked. Which makes sense. But ah well.

Hey, Liz!

What is it this time, Dustin?

You can go buy my porno now. Only $24.95! It’s a steal!

All right, first of all why would I want to see it, like, ever? At all? And secondly? $24.95? Are you mad? 1 night in Paris is $24.95, and shit that won an AVN for “Best overall marketing campaign” or some shit. You think you’re in the same league as a professional whore like Paris Hilton?

Not really, but it is put out by the same guys. I mean, check out the covers:

Still, why the fuck do you think I wanna see you have sex?

Don’t deny it. You wanna see me get down and funky.

If by “funky” you mean “Dirty Sanchez” you freak.

Yeah. I’m freaky, aw yeah!

Besides, if I wanted to see it I would just use this link here to download a lo-res version of it from Rapid Share.

WHAT?

Yeah, someone mailed me the link. So why would I pay to see you put the moves on, what was it, a wedding party?

Bachelorette, don’t ask. Anyway, make with the $24.95! I needs to pays for my house, remember?

Not this again.

Wanna T-Shirt?

I’m leaving.

I’ll sign it!

Liz?

… Liz?

Naughty American History

Well. It’ss to be a game of strip history quiz. Male or female teacher. Pick one and answer multiple choice questions and watch videos of them stripping if you get a question right. They are timed. Obviously NSFW.

More than that I do not know, but the idea amuses me.

From Weetanya comes… well shit.

The oddest, strangest porn in a long time. Obviously VERY not safe for work. But to sum it up for you:

Pterodactyl porn.

Seriously. A woman who is fucking a bunch of guys in really shitty Pterodactyl costumes. They flap their little fabric wings a lot while she tries to look like she doesn’t want to laugh. And then the hand puppet comes in. And suddenly it’s a sick Sesame Street moment.

“Look,” the hand puppet Pterodactyl seems to say, “vagina, right there. Can you say vagina? I know that you can.”

But then it looks at the camera and opens its beak and… it looks so offended.

“Why is this woman fucking Pterodactyl half-men creatures,” it cries with its puppet eyes, “when really, she could be cutting her toenails or something? What is wrong with this world? Can’t you help me?”

But we can not help the puppet. We can only watch in shock, and yes awe, as Pterodactyl porn unfolds before us.