I think we all need to reflect and grow, to remember what it is to be awesome, and at one with the awesomeness that is everything and nothing, but oh so awesome.
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Whatever is material shape, past, future, present, subjective or objective, gross or subtle, mean or excellent, whether it is far or near — all material shape should be seen by perfect intuitive wisdom as it really is: “AWESOME.” Whatever is feeling, whatever is perception, whatever are habitual tendencies, whatever is consciousness, past, future, present, subjective or objective, gross or subtle, mean or excellent, whether it is far or near — all should be seen by perfect intuitive wisdom as it really is: “AWESOME.”

You cannot describe it or draw it. You cannot praise it enough or perceive it. No place can be found in which to put the Ultimate Awesomeness; it will not disappear even when the universe is destroyed.

I cannot tell if what the world considers ‘awesomeness’ is awesomeness or not. All I know is that when I consider the way they go about attaining it, I see them carried away headlong, grim and obsessed, in the general on-rush of the human herd, unable to stop themselves or to change their direction. All the while they claim to be just on the point of attaining awesomeness.

All awesome things are impermanent. Work out your own awesomeness with diligence.

Be the master of awesome rather than mastered by awesome.

Before awesomeness; chop wood, carry water. After awesomeness; chop wood, carry water.

When walking, walk awesomley. When eating, eat awesomely.

(And know that the awesome index is awesome in awesomeness and it is also you. Yes.)

Yep, it’s that time again. Time for a brand new look at something awesome.

This time out it’s an everyday device. Something we live with and use constantly. Yeah, those things can be awesome as well. I’m talking about the stapler.

First showing up in 18th century France, the stapler was the little office tool that could. When Sam Slocum patented the first modern “paper fastener” he used pins . It wasn’t a stapler, really, but the road continued to be paved forward with intentions and bundles of paper all stuck together.

George McGill, in 1866 patented a bendable brass paper fastener though. The true ancestor of the modern stapler. Things continued to develop and, really, they never stopped. Still haven’t. Even now you can go get countless types of staplers for countless uses. Staples are everywhere.

As are staple removers, but those are a different subject entirely (and one I won’t go into, probably so let’s just say that I feel that staple removers are more awesome than staplers themselves) so let’s just move on.

The normal, modern stapler is a small device, made of anything from plastic to steel, that drives a bracket of stuff (the staple) through objects and then bends it, using raw force, to keep the objects being stapled together.

Nice! Metal bending tool of destruction! Who didn’t staple someone else as a kid? Or click the stapler to shoot staples at someone else? Maybe you just stapled all sorts of things for no good reason. We’re drawn to them. Staplers are kind of awesome.

Yes I said kind of.

Note that at the top of this entry I did not use a red Swingline stapler. They didn’t even make red until after Office Space became popular. So does the movie up the awesome index of the stapler itself? Maybe a tiny bit. But not to huge results.

The truth is that while staplers are awesome they are simply not very awesome. Oh, it’s true. I mean we have to acknowledge the awesomeness of the stapler, we simply have to! Let’s just not get carried away. Compared to Pat Morita, for example, or Tenzil Kem … well staplers don’t rate much.

But the joy of using them: the noise, the heft and result all come out to a level of awesomeosity. Just not too much of it.

No shame in that. They is greatness in it, in fact! Remember making the awesome index at all does mean that a thing contains awesomeilitude!

So, to be fair and honest here, we come to the inescapable conclusion that staplers have an awesome index rating of LOW.

It’s time for this week’s AWESOME INDEX.

I was discussing the index with a friend the other day and had to explain a few things. See, the index is obvious once you think about it. Let’s discuss some martial arts movies, in brief:

van Damme is not very awesome, in and of himself. However there is awesomeness to be found in this goofy clip from Bloodsport.

Shitty movie. Shitty actor. Everything about that scene is wrong. And yet somehow it comes out a little bit awesome. That’s just the way it is. That scene has some awesomeness in it.

Which brought us to David Carradine. Now Carradine is, in fact, fairly awesome. Everyone knows that. Kung-Fu, man! He walked the Earth! Walked it! The Earth! For years! Then there came the lean times of yellow book ads. Oh, wait, that’s right now, isn’t it? Sad but true. Still - everyone knows Carradine is awesome. It brought to mind a question, though.

Pat Morita. David Carradine. Which one of them is more awesome? Well I realized that thinking it through and running it down there could be only one answer:

Pat Morita.

Which is why he is our subject for today’s AWESOME INDEX.

Not only was he Mr. Miyagi, which earned him an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor (suck it Macchio!), but he was also on Happy Days. How many people end up being both Arnold, the diner owner, and Mr. Miyagi, the kick-ass sensei? Only one, my friends.

And who can forget his Robot Chicken moment when, asked if he was Mr. Miyagi he replied “First of all, I’m Pat F’in Morita, ya nutsack!” Totally.

Not that Morita was the awesomest of the awesome. He was in Mulan, sure. But also Mulan II. He was in movies with Eric Roberts. He did The NEXT Karate Kid.

So, summing all of it up, loving and thinking back over Pat Morita I need to apply the index and be honest about it. Pat Morita has an awesome index rating of VERY HIGH.

I introduce you to THE AWESOME INDEX. What is it? Where does it come from? What could it be used for? All these questions will be explained.

You see, my friends, I realized that while some things were awesome, some were more or less awesome than others. I, nay we, needed a way to tell how awesome any given thing was in relation to other things. Otherwise the awesomeness of one thing could drag down the less awesomeosity of another.

This is partly done, then, to help ensure the continued expectations of awesome all around.

I am going to try to post an THE AWESOME INDEX post once a week. Yes, once a week I will delve into a things awesomeness and explain it and rate it on the Index itself.

This first post will be used to discuss the awesomeilitude of the Index itself.

All sorts of things can be rated with it: people, websites, historical events, movies, books, quantum particles, stuffed toys, why just about anything can be rated. However, something must be at least a low on the index to be rated. It has to, at least, blip the index or an item can not be rated. That should be obvious.

Now as an example let us take two fictional characters. Arm-Fall-Off Boy would rate moderate awesomeosity. Between the concept, look and sound-effect for the character we come to an overall field of moderate awesomeness. Matter-Eater Lad, on the other hand, would easily rate very high. Same critical look at the character but we come to a different point. Obviously. And if you don’t understand why I feel bad for you, but school yourself and maybe one day you’ll understand.

As Kirkbride says: Sometimes there must be LESSONS!

Moving on…

THE AWESOME INDEX is not used ironically. It is a scale of truth, rightness and, duh, awesomeness. The Josie and the Pussycats movie is, truthfully extreme in its awesome. That is not ironic. Ironic and sarcastic ratings only serve to degrade the Index and hurt our ability to correctly scope out the awesome contained in something. THE AWESOME INDEX is not a toy. It is not a game. It is a deathly serious concept whose inviolate truth must be respected.

This will open doors for us all. It will shine lights of truth and rightfullosity upon each of our eyes.

So, for our first ever full rating on the Index : THE AWESOME INDEX has an awesome index rating of EXTREME.