Before we really got on the road we stopped at this deli in east Harlem. It had a sign. It had the above sign. And that set the tone for the trip, really. No pet smoking hang around. None. Not even the tiniest bit.

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We (Hammerpants, myself and Jenni) realize, thanks to Jenni who has done this trip before, that the directions we have are bad. Well not bad per say, they simply won’t be efficient. Oh no. So we should go a different way. Well, that makes perfect sense to all three of us. We only have to turn around and backtrack like thirty minutes in order to save two whole hours overall. And that’s sound math.

Of course it didn’t take the entire “Let’s get lost in Jersey” problem into account, and how could it? When we decided this we were not, in fact, lost in Jersey. So this woman tells Hammerpants how to get to the highway we want, in the direction we want. “Turn left at the church and it’s right there.”

Woo!

Except then he gets back in the car, looks out onto the vistas of the nowhere corner of Jersey we’re in and see, for fuck’s sake, at least six churches. Did we go back in and ask for clarification? No, sir. We decided she meant the big one. It was bigger, after all. So it must be the… no, it wasn’t. We found the right church, after a few, it was just a church. Fifth one or so from where we started. But when we made a left at the corner of that church we did indeed end up where promised.

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Then we spent the next six decades in PA. Because that’s just what you do when you’re going to Ohio. You move to PA, raise a few kids, start a farming community, buy some cows, raise some kids, oh God I hated that episode of Next Generation when they all lived forty lives all at once, and then Jordi finds a plant that reminds him of his mother so he marries Data and they have a wedding at Skywalker ranch, wearing tutus and then … well you’ve seen it. That’s what it’s like. Exactly what it’s like.

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We stopped for a leg stretch in the wilds of West Virginia. The gas station bathroom was a door in the side of the building. It had a doorknob. Set above that was a key lock for locking the place up at night. Set above that was a ½ inch thick deadbolt. That only locked from the outside. What with a side of THE FUCK was going on there?

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We had dinner in Wheeling, WV. Big place, lots of unused space. Large guys, who look like bikers, playing pool in one half of the place. We’re at a table. Wham! starts playing. Loudly. Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go), specifically. No one blinked.

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And then we hit the hotel at around 1am. And Vrax came out to meet us and hang out. Well folks that resulted in my being up till 3am. Then we got up at 9ish. And now I post this. And go cause trouble.

Tonight: Tom Waits.
Tomorrow: The drive home.
Monday: Back to the day job.

Oh this should be epic.