Meet Tania Derveaux. She’s Belgian. She once ran for the senate there, promising 40000 blow jobs. She didn’t win. This time she has a different concept!

She’s have sex with you (if you are a virgin), in return for proof that you support Net Neutrality. Yup. As she says: “I’m using sex in a positive way to spread awareness. The reason why only virgins can apply is because I don’t want to make this promise to such a large amount of people that I’ll have to turn some down.”

Now, Tania also has some terms of service:

Description of Services
The services consist of Tania performing sexual intercourse with the applicant, the form and style of the performance will be discussed prior to the act, Tania tries to allow as much freedom as possible in this area but she does reserve the right to decline suggestions. Tania covers all her personal expenses, including travel. Any sort of recording (video, audio or photographs) of the performance is allowed for non-commercial use. Tania adheres to high standards of service but due to time limitations each performance can last no longer than 30 minutes, no exceptions will be made under any circumstance.

3. General Requirements and Rules of Conduct
Services will only be provided to those who meet the following requirements:
applicants must be 18yrs old or above:

• Condom must be used, except if the applicant prefers to release his semen upon Tania’s body without any oral or vaginal contact.
• Anal sex is negotiable, although Tania will cease the performance immediately if any form of ’surprise buttsex’ occurs.
• Multiple participants are not allowed, but applicants are entitled to have an audience observe the performance.
• If anywhere along the process, it becomes clear that the applicant is not a virgin, Tania reserves the right to terminate all activity.
• Applicant must be able to provide sufficient evidence that clearly shows he has been defending net neutrality (eg. a print-out of a forum post, a link to a vlog).
• Applicant agrees that in the event of the applicant infringing upon Terms of Service during the process of the act, Tania is not responsible for any genital injury that the applicant may suffer.
• Tania may deny service for hygiene reasons.

So, again, if you are interested: Go here and sign up, I guess.

The next person to say “Oh, are you going to be just writing,” like it was taking a fucking nap, or making some toast is getting a typewriter to the face. I have a typewriter. It’s large, red and metal. It’ll hurt, too, you fucks.

I swear, I am not normally sensitive but twice already today and a general feeling from a bunch of my friends that this whole writing thing is a fucking lark, it’s play time, it isn’t serious. It isn’t like I work a full time job and then come home and work who knows how many hours almost every single motherfucking night. No, of course not.

Naw, it’s all a game. Like Bingo. Go Fish. Yahtzee. It’s a hobby, y’all. Like some of you build model trains or play a videogame, I write. You know, it’s a phase. Yeah.

Typewriter. To the face.

APK: THAT’S NOT A MOON.

Hammerpants: That’s yer mom?

APK: *applause*

Hammerpants: So … last night I learned a valuable lesson

APK: yah?

Hammerpants: If someone is punching for your solar plexus, block to the side, not upward.

Hammerpants: If you block up, you get popped in the chin.

APK: Must… not…. laugh….

Hammerpants: But see, now I know!

APK: Dude. Knowing that was already half the battle. You lost that battle. G.I. OH NOES!

Last night I headed downtown to meet Mr. Wendel for dinner. While we were eating, a guy in the back of the place started shouting. I mean shouting. He was all “Fuck you! No fuck you!” at the damned top of his lungs. He stood and continued to scream at the woman he was with.

“Fuck you, I’m a grown man!” he shouted. Really? Had all us fooled. The staff looked concerned and were edging towards kicking him out or calling the cops or something when he said “No, I am going to leave!” and stormed out.

So everyone tried to look at the woman without looking at her. She was laughing. She explained everything to a bunch of the employees, paid, apologized and left. Laughing.

“Well it’s more stuff for stories,” Wendel said to me.

“No, fiction has to make sense and be believable. It’s why I don’t write about my life, I write fiction.”

“Just say it’s fiction.”

“Who says I haven’t?”

Then we headed off to Virgin to stare at DVDs. I grabbed the 20th anniversary edition of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen because I simply adore the film, and the 30th anniversary edition of Jaws. Oddly I didn’t own a copy of Jaws.

I tried to tempt Wendel into buying things. All sorts of things. Krull, Night of the Comet, shit I don’t remember what else. I think I actually told him not to buy Night of the Comet mostly because I didn’t want to be responsible for his reaction.

Also, in book news:

Space Vulture, which is co-written by the guy who wrote “Who Censored Roger Rabbit?” (which was eventually turned into that movie) and is amazingly fun pulp. According to people I know and trust. So, come on! Space Vulture!

Also Anathem, the new Neal Stephenson is coming out in September.

Caine Black Knife is out in October, as well. Yes it is the newest book in the progression of Heroes Die and Blade of Tyshalle. I am very excited. Heroes Die is one of those books that I recommend every chance I get.

Blindsight is out in paperback. So what? Peter Watts hit an amazing high note with this book. If you saw Sunshine and liked it but felt it could’ve made more sense? You will love Peter Watts. Dark, moody, precise and hard edged science all meet to show you what happens when things just go wrong. It is also interesting, quirky and fantastic.

And that’s all I got right now.

I need to contact the spirit world, quickly!

Mr. T gets boys out of comas! He doesn’t do magic!

Just be a medium, you have the power, T!

All right, all right, cut the jibba jabba! T will help you.

Thanks!

Spirits of the old, I pity you! I pity you and call yo’ forth!

What? Oh for… what do you want this time?

Mister Miyagi! You have to help me!

No I don’t kid. And I keep telling you, I’m Pat Morita. Now stop bothering my spirit, will you?

But mean kids are bothering me and I need to learn how to respect myself, channel my inner peace and manage to defeat them without anger, but only kick-ass karate skills!

Try Tiger Schulman’s, you useless wimp. How many movies did we go through this in? Three? Four? Whatever, it was three or four too many.

Nooooo! Mister Miyagi! I need you to help me! I just don’t understand!

Fucking hell. Fine. Go… paint… something. A fence. The Great Wall of China! Go paint it white. Both sides, up and down, wrist to wrist, long stroke short stroke. When you finish that come see me again.

You got it, Mister Miyagi! I’m off to paint the Great Wall of China!

That kid will never learn, will he?

I pity the Chinese jail he ends up in.

Wax on, wax off will have a whole new meaning!

HAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well, I should stop channeling ghosts and go save the world.

You need a team of gymnasts. Maybe a dog. A dog with a mohawk!

I like this plan. I like it a lot, foo’!

Well, you are either reading this post at hellblazer.net or at somewhere hellblazer.net feeds into. But as of today you can also use adampknave.com and adamknave.com to get there as well. They just redirect you, so it isn’t exactly fancypants or anything. I just decided I should probably own my own name.

Yes good citizens of the world, today is Earth Day. Earth Day - proving to the world, since 1970, that we give enough of a crap about our own planet to go have craft fairs in its name once a fucking year! Hell yes! Let’s go get some fennel cake from some people wearing Birkenstocks and talk about the environment!

Did you know that the Earth has a flag? It’s true! Taken from Earthsite.org: ” The Earth Flag is a powerful symbol of internationality and common interest, a standard that calls all people to mutual allegiance to their only universally-shared resource- the Earth itself.”

See, when you have an EARTHFLAG it is so powerful that though the flag might wave, the picture of the Earth never will. IT DOES NOT WAVER! Or it’s a shitty graphic done by a 14 yr old in Prague as homework. Whichever.

I’m not against Earth Day, mind you. I just think someone has to speak out against the way we seem to celebrate it. It’s like a po’ man’s Easter. “Yay! It’s Earth Day! Let’s have a carnival!” Let’s not. Let’s plant some shit. Let’s go do something worth while. Every day. Not just once a year. But one day a year to give a shit? I suppose it can be seen as “a start” but this is the 38th start. You’d think it woulda caught on a little better by now?

Fuck even the WWF has a cute Panda logo. Better than that shitty flag. The Earth needs marketing! Mars needs women! Venus needs a better razor! Wait… off track, off track!

So yeah I don’t know what to do about Earth Day. I was going to celebrate. You know, by not doing anything. Hey! It’s how I celebrate all the other holidays! Fuck you, man! you have your traditions and I have mine!

But then I thought I should try something new. So I will celebrate Earth Day by not consuming much sunlight, staying indoors and breathing shallowly as to conserve oxygen. Basically I will attempt to remain in a coma for Earth Day.

Yeah. I know, it’s a lot to give, and a lot to ask. But I will ask. I will ask each of you to go take a nap. For the planet!

Not for Captain Planet:

That guy is just odd. Fuck that guy. Captain Planet? Yeah I’m General Galaxy and I say shut the fuck up and get back to work. Dickhead.

In conclusion: TAKE A NAP! THE PLANET NEEDS YOUR HELP!

A real life type update

I don’t do these much because really there’s not a lot going on that I can talk about. I mean I go to work and then I come home. Sometimes I hang out with friends. Most times I come home and write. Then I’ll watch something or read for review and go to bed. There might be phone calls in there.

That’s my life. Mostly it’s work then work then work and sleep.

So sure, the Monday Night Recaps (didn’t go to the bar last night but Vin and Hammerpants came to my place and hung out) may make my life seem exciting but those are the exceptions. Mostly my life is all about work.

Worse, right now, it’s a lot of work I can’t talk about. There’s some comic stuff possible I can’t discuss, and some new comics stuff I also can’t talk about. There’s a bunch of prose I can’t talk about and some other media things that can’t get a word in public. Isn’t that fun to write about?

So yeah, I don’t write about my day job for a whole host of reasons and it leaves me with little to discuss on most days. So instead I post funny things that make me laugh. It’s a living.

But on the other hand I don’t want to remove myself completely, either. That’s no fun. Heh. This summer shall see adventures, if everything goes right. A full week of them, while I’m off and out of town and having adventures that I will then share. In a few weeks I will be stuck with Jury Duty, so the opposite will be true and I won’t be posting until I get home.

In between? I have a few short weekend trips I need to take, but then May got busy as hell. So I am trying to see if I have time for as surprise trip this weekend. God only knows.

And now? Back to work.

Ultimate defense is easy! Watch below as this man demonstrates:

So remember kids, if a bully should ever come up to you, just do this simple and powerful move and you too can be assured of a safe and happy future!

(Thanks to Vrax for the heads up)