So let’s see. A bunch of episodes to talk about this time. Specifically: The First Time, One on One, Higher Education, Perfect Mom and The 17-Year Itch (also known as Season 1, episodes 5-9).

First up we find Brandon and his old GF. She comes to town and they fuck. That’s … yeah. His parents let her stay in their house, in a room that has a connecting door (via the shared bathroom) and then they seem to act surprised when they hear Brandon having sex. What did they think would happen? Seriously. Brandon is a man whore, and we all know it, why don’t they?

But anyway this also starts what I think of as the “Rock Block of Bad Parenting” episodes. You see his GF, who is so unmemorable I couldn’t even be bothered to try and find the character’s name, ran away from home. Why? Because after Brandon left she couldn’t take her hellish life.

Now she describes her hellish life. Her step-father is mean to her. This is a show where people have coke problems, date rape, abuse… her step-father is mean to her. That’s it. And yet once she looses Brandon she can’t cope at all and runs away. That’s how good he is, folks. Brandon Walsh for May… no Presi… no GOD! I mean what the hell?

The episode also features Dylan, being a stand-up kinda guy who takes a punch from his friend because sometimes people lose their cool. It’s all good, in Dylan’s world. He’ll be fine, hair wasn’t even mussed.

Then we go on to a great dual-plot set: Brandon tries out for Basketball while Brenda learns how to drive. No, really, that’s the episode. This being 90210, of course, they have to try and make things vapidly socially relevant. So we get told that a lot of the team are part of this bullshit program to get inner city kids to the school where they don’t have to do any work just so they can be on the team. Brandon suspects this new kid of being one of them. The kid isn’t. They yell about racism for a few and then make-up.

Understand: we learn quickly this kid is not part of the questionable program. Do we ever deal with the actual problem raised? Of course not. We single out someone who isn’t part of it and show that racism is wrong (Hear that Steve? Steve is now not only an asshole he is also a bigot, way to develop character! What do they THINK they’re doing?). But we knew this already, all of it. So what about this program and the fact that it is ruining people’s lives? Eh, fuck that, this one kid who, I need to repeat had nothing to do with the program, isn’t in trouble! HURRAY! THE WORLD IS SHINY AGAIN!

Meanwhile, Brenda can’t drive. We get a dream sequence where she thinks she’s a NASCAR driver, but she sucks at driving. So of course Kelly convinces her to borrow Brandon’s car anyway. And Brenda does and it … runs out of gas. She doesn’t crash it or anything. It just runs out of gas. So she goes to get help and when she gets back the car is gone!

They file a police report and Brenda lies about everything, then admits the truth to Brandon. The car is found, because it was simply towed. Why was it towed? Well, abandoning a car in the middle of the road can result in that. We get a grin and a smile, the 90210 nod and wink, basically, and with an aw shucks everything is fine.

What did we learn there, kids? Issues don’t matter and stealing the car will turn out fine. Thank God for these life lessons.

As part of the Rock Block of Bad Parenting, Jim, the Walsh dad, pressures Brandon to … try his best … until Brandon snaps at him. What? I … well all right. Yeah you don’t want your parents wanting the best for you. That must suck.

Moving on! We come to a great life lesson moment. Brandon cheats on history quizzes, thanks to Steve who has copies of the tests. What the fuck is it with Steve, man? He’s the root of all fucking evil on this show! Anyway, Brandon cheats until he realizes he doesn’t want to be a cheater so he stops. He doesn’t get caught, deal with it or do anything other than feel guilty for upsetting Andrea, who knows he is cheating. And she’s just pissed because, well, he’s cheating. We also learn the history professor wears ugly suits because his dead wife picked them out.

I don’t know about you but I feel like I am growing and learning as a person here.

Oh, but the Rock Block of Bad Parenting moment! All right, so Brandon is cheating and acting all gloomy and wretched and emo. His parents notice. They decide to leave him alone and not bother him. When he confronts them, all about how if he had bad grades they would hate him they simply say they wouldn’t, they just want to see him smile.

So we’ve gone from asking him to just do his best to asking him to simply lie to their faces, so they feel better. World class. World fucking class. I applaud this parenting choice!

Oh and Brenda gets a shitty dye job, care of Kelly. But all is right because as a result she meets Dylan. Dylan rides up on his motorcycle and offers to get her hair fixed because “he knows a guy.” Of course you do, Dylan honey, you’re Superman. But the following exchange happens. Word for word:

Brenda: I like your butt, I mean… your bike.
Dylan: Well thank you. Hop on. … my bike that is.

Yeah. But fuck that! Next up we get to meet Kelly’ mom! The drunk coke-snorting whore! YAY! She’s everything this show will turn into eventually. Which is wonderful and magical, I tell you. Fucking train wreck of a character here. Of course they use it to show how great the Walshes are, because that was the goal of the first season, but still! She’s impressively horrible. Kelly asks her to stop drinking, because after all she is in AA (the mom, not Kelly) and her mother agrees. And does a line instead.

Ok, now maybe it’s just me but that is not a step up. Better yet when she sees her mother do a line Kelly just shrugs, gets nominally upset, and lets it slide. ‘Cause you know, whatever.

Until! The big Mother/Daughter fashion show! Then Kelly’s Mom, who is still coked to the gills, starts acting like a belligerent drunk, and not at all like someone on coke. Well. I don’t know, I think the writers could’ve found someone in Hollywood in the 90s to check up on what coke heads act like. Maybe. It can’t have been that hard, right? But anyway they didn’t. The entire episode is done with this slightly off gloss of an after school special, except no one really cares about the mom. Sure Kelly sheds some fake tears and freaks out later, but in general everyone is just like: Well, it’s a disease, so why should she be ashamed? She should just get help. Then it’ll be ok.

There’s your life lesson. It’s hard being the kid of an addict, but when your mom goes to rehab eventually you can stay in the house alone at 17 and everything will be better, because your friend’s mom will make you dinner. Or something.

And then we come to the first episode to really focus on the Walsh parents. It’s about time! And how do they choose to focus on them? Do they show up how this great couple that is a sterling example for the entire fucking city solves bat problems at the same bat time? No, they bring them close to divorce and ruin. Eh, what else were they gonna do with 40 minutes to fill, right?

So Jim is working hard for the IRS and Cindy is still a stay at home mom. And that makes her unhappy. Look, it’s been months, she’s been unhappy and whined about not having a job anymore. She why doesn’t she get one?! What is the problem? Jim wouldn’t have to work so hard, she could do what she wants again - this would solve everything! Which is why, I suppose, we can’t do that. But still.

So an old boyfriend of Cindy’s …

Wait. I have to say that somehow I feel oddly like I’m getting away with something by using their first names. I mean it was 18 years ago when I first saw this stuff, you didn’t call your friends parents by their first names. Somehow this carries over to the Walshes. Shut up, all right? Let’s just get back it.

So Cindy’s old BF finds her and of course he is a rich photog who wins Pulitzers and shit. So they almost start an affair while Jim is oblivious. Brandon and Brenda fight about if their mom is really having an affair. But at the last second, and with overacting deserving of a Brenda Walsh Bad Acting Award, Cindy decides she can’t and runs out weeping.

Jim realizes something is wrong, finally, and decides to do something about it. Cindy smiles and says she loves him. And we’re out. That’s it! The underlying problems aren’t really ever addressed by the characters involved to each other. They split and solve themselves. And don’t talk about it. Which is part of the problem we’re shown in the first place.

I don’t get this show sometimes. I laugh at it but I don’t get it. Not really.

Side notes for all the episodes at once: Donna still has nothing to do. David still has nothing much to do but for a small note here and there that tally up to useless. Yeah these recaps can’t sit and wait and pile up like this anymore. One or two eps per I think. This is too much backlog to really get to the nut of the issue which is that this show is fucked up. Fucked! Up! I tell you.

Side note for you, in two years, on Sept. 2nd it will be 9/02/10. We need to plan a party.