CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE!

TIME FOR JOY!

AND TIME FOR CHEER!

WE’VE BEEN GOOD BUT WE CAN’T LAST!

HURRY CHRISTMAS!

HURRY FAST!

Very nice, gentlemen. Creepy, but nice.

Thank you.

No, it was a job well done.

Than this will do?

Will this make up for our little “issue”? Maybe. Will it be a great thing to do for the hell of it? Definitely.

You will kneel. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow…

But someday, and for the rest of my life?

Yes!

No.

Still, after this sort of public ridicule, Shatner, do not expect…

Mercy? No shit, Sherlock.

Damn you, Shatner…

Yeah, yeah. Noooooooooooooo! Shut your mechanized pie-hole Whine-akin. All three of you listen to me, and listen well. You set FIRE to my Christmas tree. Because you thought it would be funny. It wasn’t. And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Yo Joe!

You’re a Joe’er?

Fuck yes.

I just never saw you as…

Destro is a superstitious and cowardly sot.

Fair enough. Uhm, but why are you here?

Vader stole a cape of mine.

It’s mine!

It’s scalloped, you idiot!

It could be mine.

But it isn’t!

Might be!

Oh for fuck’s sake. Fine keep it. It’s just a…

Goddamn cape?

Fuck you, too.

If you are…

An author who wonders when their book will be reviewed by Publishers Weekly - you should read this post.

An editor who gets asked by an author when a book will be reviewed by Publishers Weekly - you should read this post.

A publisher who wants to know when a book will be reviewed by PW - you should read this post.

Anyone in the world who wonders exactly how a book goes from submission to review at Publishers Weekly, the timing and the steps and the process - you should read this post.

I dunno, PW is this big impenatrable monolith of mystery. Here’s an editor there who is willing to discuss process. So why shouldn’t we all read it and ask questions of her and peel back a few layers if possible?

So, you know, I suggest that a lot of people should read this post. And comment. And share the link.

Two fleshbag mortals walk into a drinking establishment.

Yes? YES?!

One of the fleshbag mortals carried a domesticated water fowl. It make a noise. A noise sounding like “quack”.

AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHA YES! PERFECT!

I am not done. So the fleshbag mortal who tended the bar and alcohol asked the fleshbag mortals why they carried a water fowl. The first fleshbag mortal said “What do you mean?” The second fleshbag mortal said “Fuck He-Man.”

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHA THE BEST JOKE EVER! YES! I SHALL RULE THE WORLD WITH IT!

Know your audience, Zod always says.

All right! It’s been a long fun road with Top Tens and now it comes to an end. With my list. Yup. My list.

BOOKS

Dhalgren - Delany’s amazing novel is one of those books that continues to live in your head for the rest of your life.

The Illuminatus! - Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson started something major here. This is the sort of work that has, over the years, invaded the culture to such a degree that if you never read the book you still reference it. So why not just read it.

Lonesome Dove - I love a good western. I mean, westerns are just kick-ass. This is the best western I know, in book form. I haven’t enjoyed any adaptation of it, but the book is amazing.

The Mike Hammer Collection Volume 1 - Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer is the font from which all hard boiled detectives grow. He could do more in short paragraph than many authors can manage in five pages. Tight as hell, his prose worked like a boxing match.

Raymond Chandler: Stories and Early Novels - On the other side of the noir spectrum you have Raymond Chandler. Also a master, his style boils down to a crisp jazz solo. Between Chandler and Spillane you have the building blocks for 90% of all modern noir.

Lord of Light - Zelazny’s greatest book (and a 1,000 Amber fans just screamed) but it’s true! Sorry guys. This is the one to wave in people’s faces and scream about.

The Princess Bride - William Goldman may be the greatest living screenwriter right now, and he is, but the novel that gave rise to his amazing screenplay and stunning movie of the same name is, frankly, better than the movie. Which is why the book is here and the movie is not below. For reals.

More Than Human - My personal favorite Sturgeon work. Sturgeon was one of the all time best writers around. Period. This book is still new and fresh.

Letters from the Earth - I knew there would be Twain on this list but which? That kept me up nights. I finally settled on this, a collection of essays and looks at man and faith from the point of view of Satan.

Classic Feynman: All the Adventures of a Curious Character - If you like science you need to read this book. If you don’t like science you need to read this book. If you are alive today you should probably read this book. If you’re dead - consider picking up a copy.

MOVIES

Leon - The Professional - Leon is, for my money, Besson’s best work. The movie works on every level it attempts. Stunning.

Ghostbusters - Ray, if someone asks you if you’re on their top ten list, you say YES.

Josie and the Pussycats - This might be the most sarcastic movie ever made. Also highly quotable. And funny.

Hudson Hawk - Yes I still adore this highly funny film. I always will. You can disparage it if you like, but you’re wrong.

Shaun of the Dead - Not only was it hysterical but this is also one of the tightest scripts I have ever seen.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid - Possibly the greatest script ever filmed, Butch and Sundance just works. It works and you fall in love with it. Also Hill directed this in ways you can’t do anymore.

Brick - Modern noir done interestingly. This movie shouldn’t have worked half as well as it did. But it blew me away when I first saw it and still does, every time I watch it.

The Complete Thin Man Collection - If you’ve never seen any of these you desperately should. The start of the great comedic detective pairings, what we think of now as buddy movies starts here. With one of the best takes on it ever.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead - The only thing in the world to have changed Shakespeare forever. It’s the sort of film that you watch and then sit back and realize what you just saw. And then you kinda wanna watch it again right away.

Fight Club - It has flaws, but this is the perfect example of the sum being more than the parts. You can find problems, tiny ones, here and there. But all together the movie works across the board.

You can also go buy books with me in them: Bad-Ass Faeries (for some fairy fun, I have a very odd and insane story in it) and The Dead Walk Again! (in which I write a zombie western). You can also go to the Die Monster die! Store and buy the Strange Angel series (which is on sale. Actually you can buy Dead Walk Again there, too, also on sale.)

Atomic Wave sunglasses. Be the cool kid on your block. Kill epileptics! Rule the world! For only $19.95 if you act right now. They come in green and blue.

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Inflatible gigantic hands for only 20 bucks even. They’re huge and have velcro so you can pin the fingers down. Which means two giant instances of the shocker, if you want it bad enough.

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A flux capacitor. Over 16 inches tall by about a foot wide, it runs on batteries and each one is a numbered limited replica. On sale for $220, for now.

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Here’s a strange one for you. The contura ring. You submit a photo and they make the ring so that it matches the profile of the picture you supply. I kinda like it. I kinda do. At $624 each I don’t like it THAT much, but I still do like it.

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Virtual bubblewrap keychain. It has little buttons. They feel like bubblewrap. They sound like it, too. I dunno, I don’t think it would replace real bubblewrap for me, but it is tempting. Very. Ten bucks.

So the new Holiday Guide presents a special new feature! Best Of. That’s right. I got some folks together and asked them to contribute a list of their top ten movies and top ten books. Along with an intro and some pimping of their stuff when I can, we’ll be doing one a day when I have one. I had nothing to do with these lists except soliciting them. The descriptions are the authors’ as are the picks. Remember, I do not write these. The people listed to.

Robyn has opinions. You will listen to them. Or else.

If you don’t have anyone on your list who likes any of this stuff, you should shun everyone you know. The world would be shinier and less stupid if everyone owned these twenty items.

Digital Versatile Discs: We’re mostly going for sets or box sets here.

(1) Chappelle’s Show - The Series Collection - The Boondocks is filling the void somewhat, but damn, do we need him back. If you don’t have these individually, here’s the whole shebang, including the kinda-sorta Season 3 that I didn’t care for all that much.

(2) The Ed Wood Box - The master at his best: Glen or Glenda, Jail Bait, Bride of the Monster, Night of the Ghouls, and the immortal Plan 9 from Outer Space. Plus a documentary about Eddie. It’s preferable to thePassport compilation because these discs have extras, including a documentary about Plan 9 that’s longer than the film itself….though the Passport box does include the hilarious Wood-written The Violent Years, which I highly recommend.

(3) Excel Saga - Complete Collection - Fucking insane and hilarious anime. A little dog named Menchi sings the closing-credits song: ‘If you’re going to eat me, please do it quickly/So that my flesh won’t become too tough.’ Yeah. Also recommended: Colorful, an anime all about dorky guys drooling over women’s panties.

(4) The Coen Brothers Collection - Five of the boys’ greatest early flicks. Excluding The Hudsucker Proxy (which Fox owns, and which I love), it’s basically their first ten years in the game.

(5) St. Elsewhere - Season 1 - The greatest series that has ever appeared on network television. If you disagree, YOU’RE WRONG.

(6) If…, O Lucky Man!, and Britannia Hospital - The Mick Travis trilogy, finally all available on DVD, directed by Lindsay Anderson and starring Malcolm McDowell. If you only know Malcolm from Clockwork Orange, Star Trek Generations, and the Halloween remake, you have some very pleasurable homework here. Or, um, the McDowell fan on your list.

(7) The Films of Alejandro Jodorowsky - Fucked-up shit, yo. The cult classics El Topo and The Holy Mountain, plus
Jodorowsky’s early effort Fando y Lis, only available in this set.

(8) Martin Scorsese Collection - There are two Scorsese boxes. This one from Warner Home Video has After Hours, Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, GoodFellas, Mean Streets, and his debut Who’s That Knocking at My Door?, a sort of dry run for Mean Streets. Then there’s the MGM box The Martin Scorsese Film Collection, which offers Boxcar Bertha, The Last Waltz, Raging Bull, and New York, New York (which just came out in a new 30th anniversary edition). Either one is a fine Scorsese 101, a crash course in perhaps America’s greatest living director.

(9) Blade Runner (Five-Disc Ultimate Collector’s Edition) - Well, yeah. The Murnkay has already pimped this out the wazoo. But if we’re talking DVD sets that make perfect gifts? It’d be completely special-needs not to mention this one.

(10) Apocalypse Now - The Complete Dossier and Hearts of Darkness - A Filmmaker’s Apocalypse - First watch two versions of Coppola’s one-of-a-kind Vietnam epic. Then watch what he went through to make it. There are worse ways to spend a cold winter Sunday.

Thick Paper Things with Words:

(1) Naked Lunch: The Restored Text by William Seward Burroughs II. Essential hallucinogenic reading. A must for any home library or nuclear bomb shelter.

(2) H. P. Lovecraft: Tales (Library of America) by Howard Phillips Lovecraft. The Library of America finally got around to giving a black-covered shout-out to Cthulhu Guy, with 22 stories handpicked by Peter Straub. If you want a good hardcover collection of HPL without having to pay through the urethra for an Arkham House edition, this is your best bet. Also recommended: Library of America’s equally surprising and welcome Philip K. Dick omnibus.

(3) Essential Howard The Duck by Steve Gerber and various artists. Yeah, the movie sucked. The comic was awesome. This compiles pretty much all the issues that matter, albeit in black and white. (There’s a hardcover color omnibus coming in March.)

(4) The Clothes Have No Emperor: A Chronicle of the American ’80s by Paul Slansky. If you’re a freak for all things ’80s, this breezy satirical book is a must-have. It focuses on the eight years under Reagan and all the political doofiness thereof, but also keeps an eye on pop culture through the years. Judd Nelson is dissed in a special sidebar.

(5) The Psychotronic Encyclopedia of Film by Michael J. Weldon. You can bet Quentin Tarantino read his copy until it fell apart. I did, too. You open it, you’re not likely to close it for a few hours.

(6) Danse Macabre by Stephen Edwin King. The Tall Man from Maine at his loosest. It’s basically him sitting across a table from you over beers (this was years before he needed to stop having beers) talking about horror fiction, horror movies, horror TV, and even horror radio. It stops in 1980, and I’ve always wished for a sequel so he could talk up the many major figures to emerge in the various horror media in the past 27 years.

(7) Roasting in Hell’s Kitchen: Temper Tantrums, F Words, and the Pursuit of Perfection by Gordon Ramsay. You enjoy the foulmouthed chef on Hell’s Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares? This book sounds just like him, and it tells the inspirational story of a boy who grew up in chaos and near-poverty, decided to be a football star, got injured, decided to become a chef, kicked ass at it, and the rest is history.

(8) Owly by Andy Runton - The most inventive (and adorable) wordless comic book around. That link goes to the first volume, and there’s also Just a Little Blue, Flying Lessons, and A Time to Be Brave. If you have a young’un on your list and you want to get ‘em hooked on comics, this is the perfect gateway drug. In no time they’ll be reading Transmetropolitan and snorting crystal meth off a photo of William Gibson.

(9) H₂O by Howard Schatz. Famous for his underwater portraits. Absolutely stunning stuff.

(10) Can’t Get NoCan’t Get No by Rick Veitch. This guy has never stopped evolving as a comics writer/artist throughout his decades working in the medium, and this book is his oddest and most moving experiment yet.

Robyn would also like you to go buy First Person Feminist: Video Games and the Future. So go buy it! She says to. Duh?

Hey gang! There’s a special Holiday Cheer Suppliment at the footnote!

There’s a Beyond Book Club where Hemingway and Rand review Christmas Carol.

Story Time! by Dustin Grovemiller is just fantastic and deserves to be read, even if you read nothing else this update.

Dj Kirkbride put up his Xmas wishes! Woo!

In a new Rality is What you Make It we find out about the new changes Santa is planning.

I thank some folks in a new Sight Gags.

Tales of the Workin’ Girl opens up some questions for you.

Enjoy!

So the new Holiday Guide presents a special new feature! Best Of. That’s right. I got some folks together and asked them to contribute a list of their top ten movies and top ten books. Along with an intro and some pimping of their stuff when I can, we’ll be doing one a day when I have one. I had nothing to do with these lists except soliciting them. The descriptions are the authors’ as are the picks. Remember, I do not write these. The people listed to.

D.J. Kirkbride is a mover, a shaker, dancer, a romancer.

1. Superman - I was born a year before this came out, but I don’t really have any memories before seeing it. Christopher Reeve IS Superman to me. This movie, while flawed (mainly in it’s portrayal of Lex Luthor by the still great Gene Hackman) and dated (though I dig that 70s look), is amazing. It holds up.

2. Citizen Kane - Often movies are described as “classic,” and one feels obligated to like them. No sense of obligation necessary with Kane. This film is ridiculously dark yet fun. It moves a a fast pace and is very innovative. Almost as interesting is how it was made. The DVD out has a documentary about the making of the movie that’s almost as interesting as the movie itself.

3. Airplane! - Funniest movie EVER. Seriously. This movie had enough jokes to make the lil’ kid version of me laugh while a whole other half of it went over my head. To this day, I still quote it and laugh at it.

4. Harold and Maude - Maybe the most messed up love story to be captured on film. 18-year-old (I think he’s 18 in this…) Harold is obsessed with death. Soon to be 80-year-old Maude is obsessed with life… on her own terms. This movie makes me laugh and breaks my heart at the same time. It might be perfect.

5. Grosse Pointe Blank - John Cusack is a hitman, but what a person does for a living shouldn’t define what he is. When he gets an invite for his 10 year high school anniversary, he can’t help but check in on the “one that got away” — his high school sweet heart. Fast talking, genuine romance, great music, and some crazy violence result. This movie doesn’t have a boring second, and I really wish they’d made the sequel Cusack mentioned a while back. (Though they might’ve come close with War, Inc. — yet to be released.)

6. Shaun of the Dead - Zombies usually just gross me out and make me squeamish, but this romantic comedy that happens to have zombies has swayed me. If it were just about Shaun and his estranged girlfriend and his best friend, I’d be down. Throwing real brain eating zombies adds a whole ‘nother dimension. As funny as it is scary.

7. Clerks - This movie made me really want to make movies. Shot in grainy black and white, it’s so low budget that it sometimes just seems real. Great, insane dialog that initially earned it an NC-17 rating. I can’t believe I let my then 12-year-old sister watch it with me when I first rented it, but I wanted to watch it again before it was due back to the video store.

8. Magnolia - Crazy long, unruly, and chock full of frogs falling from the sky — Magnolia is a glorious mess of a movie. Never have I seen such unabashed melodrama so well done. An amazing cast and a messy story. It’s great. When I first saw it in the theatre, I ignored my near bursting bladder and had to relearn how to walk when it was over, but it was worth every minute.

9. Ghostbusters - For a years, I found this funny, but recently I’ve realized that this g-damn movie holds up like a champ. Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Sigourney Weaver, Ernie Hudson, Rick Moranis — all PERFECT. This movie doesn’t skimp on the ghosts and weirdness while also being completely hilarious.

10. The Royal Tenenbaums - Like most Wes Anderson movies, it took me a second viewing to fall in love with it, but daddy issues and quirks have never been more entertainingly displayed, for me anyway, than in this movie. I love it. It makes me laugh and breaks my heart. Amazing.

Top 10 Books - These are harder because my reading retention level has steadily gone down over the years. Seriously, I can’t quote passages of books or really even discuss them due to shit memory. It scares me. Anyway…

1. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay - The first Michael Chabon book I read. Just a wonderful tale of the Golden Age of comics with all sorts of historical characters and a lot of heart. The character Kavalier & Clay created, The Escapist, is great in his own right and now has some fun comics out there.

2. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - As sad as it is funny, this autobiography of Eggers raising his little brother after both of their parents pass on too soon isn’t the downer it sounds like. It’s quirky, interesting, fun, and finds a lot of hope where I personally would’ve just sunk into despair.

3. Franny and Zooey - Two stories about sister and brother Franney and Zooey Glass. I am a big Salinger fan, and this one is my favorite. It’s all about character and emotional oddities and existential crisis of former child geniuses just trying to live their adult lives. If your a Wes Anderson fan, see where he got a lot of his inspiration.

4. The Hotel New Hampshire - I discovered John Irving in college and went through a major phase. I honestly am not sure why sometimes, but a lady in a bear suit, creepy hotels, and a brother who can’t help but be in love LOVE with his sister… it’s fucked up, but the story works. There’s a movie version with Jodie Foster and Rob Lowe that… well… just read the book.

5. Slaughterhouse-Five - A man named Billy Pilgrim gets “unstuck in time,” jumping to different points in his life — when he was a POW in WWII, with his family, and on another planet with a naked movie star being watched by aliens, to name a few. It’s insane and amazing. Not a dull moment. Author Kurt Vonnegut was a g-damn national treasure.

6. Another Roadside Attraction - Tom Robbins writes nutty, thought provoking, and humorous like a champ. This book features a roadside hot dog stand / flea circus run by a fortune teller and her new husband, lots of other stuff, and the bones of Jesus Christ.

7. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy- The best way to read this is to just get one of those collections of all 5 books plus the short story in this trilogy (yes, a 5 book, 1 story trilogy). It starts at the end of the world and goes from there. Lots of Monty Python-esque humor and philosophical zaniness from the late, great Douglas Adams.

8. Naked - David Sedaris’s essays are almost always hilarious. His recollections from his life ring true (even if they’re not — I can’t know for sure). This is his second collection (I think), and it’s my favorite, but they’re all really fun.

9. People’s History of the United States - Forget what you learned in junior high history class — apparently it wasn’t all cherry trees and telling the truth. Historian Howard Zinn’s sprawling, sad, upsetting, and very interesting book is a must read for anyone remotely interested in how this big ol’ country came to be.

10. A Confederacy of Dunces - The lead character in this book, Ignatious J. Reilly, hates mordern pop culture and fancies himself better than the rednecks around him. But, the truth is, he’s pretty gross and mean to his mom. It’s also a hoot to read about him and get inside his creepy head. The story of how the book came to be published is an interesting tragedy. After author John Kennedy Toole, took his own life, his mother found the manuscript for Confederacy and demanded college professor William Percy read it. He was reluctant but ended up loving it and shepherding it’s publication after which it won numerous awards and became a classic.

You can also buy The Dead Walk Again! which features Kirkbride’s story ‘Married Alive’. You can also buy Popgun Vol. 1 which contains Kirkbride’s comic book hilarity in SOULLESS.

Ike Turner died. Whatever. But the NY Post fucking outdid itself with the obit headline. Folks, I give you one of the highlights of the NY Post - EVER.

So you know those sticky man toys? A little guy you throw at a wall and he flops down, head over feet the whole way? Well some guys in Japan made a life-sized Sticky Man and sent him down the side of a really tall building. Yup.