So here’s what I don’t get.

Hit me.

You were bitten by a radioactive spider, and that gave you all sorts of spider powers, right?

It sure did! I can crawl up walls, and I’m strong and I’m fast…

But it didn’t give you extra arms, or funky eyes or an exoskeleton?

Nope. Just lucky I guess. Why? What’s up?

Well I have this friend…

Go on…

And well he got bitten by a radioactive cockroach.

Really? Did he die?

Why would he have died?

Well, radioactivity shouldn’t be messed with.

But it didn’t make you sick, it gave you powers!

Right, right, but still, I’m just saying…

Listen, he’s fine but he changed in other ways. You know, exoskeleton, the whole thing.

That’s fucked.

Yeah I was hoping you could talk to him, maybe?

uhhhh, sure, sure why not?

I’ll go get him.

Ok, I’ll be here.

Who desires to speak with Lord Vader?

Ohhh that is a nasty case of exoskeleton. Listen, man I understand what you’re going through.

What are you talking about?

Bitten by a cockroach?

I… you…

Gak, ok, that choking… by… re…mo…te that’s… gooo…

Insolent cur! None shall speak to Vader as you have! I will crush you!

But Jem said!

Jem! Damn her and her pranks! Last week she had me end up on the set of Dustin Diamond’s new porn! Now it’s this crap? What is with her?

I… I could not tell you. But we should get her back.

I would not suggest that.

Why not?

80s pop stars have powers beyond mortal men.

Hey, Joan Jett kicked my ass once, too. But I think I can take Jem. Proportionate strength of a spider? Reflexes? Speed? Spider-sense?

Congratulations, whippling. You have fancy names for being able to pull off spandex. However, do not test your mettle against one such as Jem.

You have got to be kidding me. What’s the worst that could happen?

Young fool, you remind me of my son. Well, with an extra hand.

I only have two hands!

So did he, until the boy pissed me off.

Yikes. Uncle Ben you ain’t.

With great power comes great awesomeness.

Responsibility.

Awesomeness.

Responsibility!

Awesomeness, and the power to choke a bitch from the other side of the room.

Aw…..awesom…. ness…

Exactly.

Well, I’m off to deal with Jem.

Fool.

Jem!

Hey, Spider-Man!

What’s with the pranks?

Tee-hee!

Don’t make me bust a webcap in yo’ ass.

Excuse me?

Well, I just mean, don’t make me hurt you.

HAHAHAHAHAH!

Uhm.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh lord, she’s crazy.

Huh? No, you’re just funny. Look, let me lay this out for you. You never lose a fight, right? that’s your shtick. But don’t you see that within 22 minutes I can solve any problem, defeat any foe and then have time left over to sing a song? Now if you were to attack me, you might win, but 15 minutes later I would come back and defeat you really quickly, while my band played, and then we’d finish the set while you sat trussed up and helpless. So back off, buggy.

This can’t be right.

It is. I can’t explain it.

But you don’t fear her.

I had a cartoon as well. We’re equals.

I had a cartoon! A lot of them!

But they all kinda sucked.

Oh SNAP! It’s like that!

It’s like THAT!

Can I get an amen?

An Amen and its Amazing Friends?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I hate you both.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!