Hello.

I am Serpentor. Perhaps you have heard of me. Yes, I have a long history of causing pain and destruction. I spent some time leading COBRA, in fact. Those cursed G.I. Joe fools would come out and thwart me. I got thwarted a lot.

Still, you need to remember that I am a genetic experiment! I was created from DNA samples of many great men including Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Philip II of Macedon, Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler, Hannibal, Genghis Khan, Grigori Rasputin, Eric the Red, Amon-Toth and Sgt. Slaughter. To name but a few.

So you see, I had no reason to be thwarted. I could never figure it out, it just didn’t make sense. How could someone as powerful as I was get defeated so often and easily?

COBRA!

…sorry, sometimes that happens. Where was I?

Oh, yes, how could I always end up defeated, and so easily? I thought about it and then one day it came to me. Yes, friends, I realized that I was missing some important thing in life. Some key ingredient that my makers missed. They may have given me the brain power of Alexander the Great, the cunning of Vlad the Impaler and the finely shaped ass of Sgt. Slaughter but they missed one thing.

One thing was my downfall!

I had very pale skin. Though I spent all day in the sun, fighting to destroy G.I. Joe and rule the world, my tan never really happened. Frankly, I burn easy.

Still I found respect hard to come by. My soldiers thought that anyone who was a good leader would be out in charge all the time. Now, mind you, I was! But due to my lack of tan they didn’t see that, they didn’t see it etched in my face.

And so I started to use different home tan kits. They all sucked. They washed off, or made me orange. That would not do. I couldn’t conquer the free world while orange! Ridiculous!

COBRA!

So I made my own. And now I want to share it with you. Yes, you can now get SERPENTOR’S Self Tan over the counter.

Ask your local pharmacy or drug store to stock SERPENTOR’S Self Tan!

It’s the only self tanning solution made with venom, basil, secret herbs and just a hint of lavender for an amazingly fresh scent every time!

Not only will you look stunning and radiant on the battlefield but your troops will be able to smell your confidence!

That’s a self tanning solution.

That’s SERPENTOR’S Self Tan!

I’ve made sure that the product is competitively priced. In fact if you should find another vendor who sells their product cheaper simply call our toll free number! It’s listed on the back of the bottle. Not only will we refund your full price of purchase but we will also destroy the mongrel dogs who dare undersell Serpentor!

So act now! SERPENTOR’S Self Tan is a fine, quality product that can only enhance your life style! Trust me. I once led the largest terrorist organization on the planet, and I led with confidence. The kind of confidence brought on by using SERPENTOR’S Self Tan.

Available where ever fine products are sold.

And if, for some reason, your local store won’t stock our product, simply call the toll free number on our website and we’ll deal with them. Oh, we’ll deal with them all right.

COBRA!