On CNN’s front page right now there is a headline:

USDA: Don’t eat suspect pot pies

Now, yes this is all tied back to a salmonella warning. From the article (which does not share the awesome simple headline) “Federal authorities are warning consumers not to eat Banquet frozen turkey and chicken pot pies or similar generic store-brand products because they may have caused an outbreak of salmonella poisoning.”

Sure. Whatever.

Let’s focus on the important thing.

Who eats SUSPECT POT PIES in the first place? I mean are there people who eat generic brand frozen pot pies who somehow think that their lump of lard and frozen peas and “meat” is really really good for them?

Oh sure they don’t think it’ll kill them, you might say. I say that isn’t true. Everyone knows frozen pot pies could kill you. That’s part of the idea. Pot Pie Roulette, man. Some on.

SUSPECT POT PIES.

This on the cusp of the Burton helmed Sweeny Todd film.

Never mind that “suspect pot pie” sounds like it should be an insult or euphemism. I’m not sure for what, exactly, but it probably involves Canada. Or Greenland. Also crutches. Work with me here.