So yesterday, get this, my good friends Ed and Marianne got married. No, they got hitched. Well, to be fair they eloped.

They make a great couple. They really do. I’m required to say that since I introduced them and put forth the idea of “Hey, you would like Ed!” and such, but I also happen to mean it.

So much love and happiness to them both! Seriously. They rock.

However.

I understand why they eloped. I do. But in doing so they managed to, obviously, ensure that all their friends weren’t there. That we didn’t get to see this event for ourselves. Or throw parties for them or do any of the stupid long winded things one does when people are getting married.

And that I do not forgive easily. I thought about what to do. Should I be annoyed with them? Should I buy them a whole bunch of toasters and blenders just to prove a point? Should I fly down to where they live and lay in wait for them just to throw 39 pounds of rice at them, with a catapult?

I chose to, instead, leave them this post. This post here that will show them how much cooler their wedding should have been. Which means, you got it, a very special Real People Wedding Talking Heads. Now, I am only using the bride, groom, myself and one other person in this. Which means most of you who know the two loons are not included.

Why is that? Because I didn’t have time to contact you and get your permission. Seriously, the other person in this? I called and asked for an ok. That’s how I roll. Also, to be fair, if I had more people this whole thing would go on for even longer and I would have to cry. So without further delay, I present to you:

Ed and Marianne’s Excellent Wedding Adventure

Oh! Wait, before we begin! I created Talking Heads icons of us, yes. But Ed’s I will also show you here, full-size. Just because you have to understand what this looks like at a size bigger than 60×60p pixels:

All right! Now on to the real fun!

Damn it, honey, I love you. Let’s just elope!

Holy shit, we should! But what about all of our friends who would simply love to come?

This way it’ll be a surprise, though!

We do like surprises, Cotton, and so do our friends. Let’s do this!

Sure thing, baby, what’s the worst that could happen?

Nothing! This is a perfect plan! To the courthouse!

Let’s roll!

———————————

I wonder where the judge is…. didn’t they say he should be here any second?

They did. Hey, wait, are you getting cold feet?

No! Not at all, mostly I just want to blog this already.

Awww come on, hold off so it can be a surprise! Besides, I’m sure our friends won’t mind at all if we do this without them having time to throw parties or celebrate or anything. After all this is for us not them!

Right you are, baby. This is like your unholy love for the name Tonka.

We are so naming one of our kids Tonka!

Oh god, hurry up, Mr. Judge, before I have time to reply.

Here I am then, kids.

What the…?!

Oh no.

Yeah. You thought you could hide this? You thought we wouldn’t know?

I thought I was gonna do this.

We can split it.

All right. I’ll start the song, you start the ceremony.

Right-o.

I like big weddings and I can’t deny!

Buh?

Those receptions you can’t deny!

Wha, no!

When a big bouquet gets thrown you get sprung!

James. No.

No?

No. No. And just in case, no again.

Then you sing, I’ll hitch ‘em up good.

Fine.

Baby?

Yeah, baby?

Is it too late to call this off?

Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby…

I think so…

We are gathered here today to this into that with the thisthat, now raise your hands in the air!

I don’t think this is right…

I still have a taser in my pocket.

Raising those hands!

Just call me angel of the morning….

This is all wrong.

This is all exactly right. Now, put your ring hands in.

*sigh* Yeah?

Oh! Take your ring hands out!

Good lord.

Shake them all about! Do the hokey-pokey! Turn that bride around! This! This is what marriage is all about!

You know, man, this is…

Fucking perfect?

I think maybe he was going for something more along the lines of…

Taser?

… perfect. Yes, he was thinking of the word “perfect”.

Perfect-o!

New song!

You didn’t finish the first song, idiot.

Car after bus after car after truck…

Fucker! now that song’s gonna be stuck in my head again.

Just let it go.

Right, you’re married.

We didn’t say any vows or anything at all. I don’t think this is right.

I said ‘em for you. In my headmeats! You’re married! YAAAAY!

We are?

YAAAAAAY!

I don’t think this is…

YAAAAAY!

Maybe if we just nod and smile and run now we can find a real judge?

YAAAAAAAY!

Let’s just leave while they’re screaming, baby. Quick, out the back!

YAAAAAAY!

You got it, baby!

YAAAA- wait, where’d they go?

Fuck. They escaped. That’s all right though.

It is?

I got their car keys, Ed’s wallet, Marianne’s house keys and a taser.

I got a buck eighty-five in nickels, a spare sock and three angry ferrets.

Let’s go help out their honeymoon planning!

Sweet deal!

I love a wedding, don’t you?

Totally.