Just had a conversation about a new column name (you’ll find out soon enough), and the old joke came back: Moose Bukkake. I have been threatening to call a column Moose Bukkake for a few years now. I just never really want to do it because the column would never live up to the name. Anyway. I suggest it again and I get the following reply:

“It doesn’t roll off the tongue.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you D.J. Kirkbride! Yeah, D.J. (or as he is known this week, Gravy) didn’t mean anything by it. He didn’t even realize what he was saying. Hells. Yes.

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I have, in my bedroom, a portable A/C. It has a hose that goes into the pimped out custom screen (for seriously, the screen is all covered in duct tape and has a hole cut into it and the hose is mounted and reinforced and shit) and the unit itself just sits on the floor.

Now this unit sucks water out of the air like a cheap whore and stores it in a bin down below. Up on top there are lights and displays and dials. I do like me some lights and displays and dials.

And last night the red light went on. The red light means that the water bin is full and the A/C refuses to C the A until it is emptied some. Which is fine, except it has never done that before and it was late and I had no clue where the instructions were. So I shook the unit, to get a judge of things and mostly, to be fair, in frustration. I didn’t wrassle it. I shoved it. Like a toddler. I shoved it like I shove toddlers.

And GOOSH its water broke. I was all “Just breathe you’ll be fine!” but then I remembered it was an A/C and not a pregnant pygmy woman covered in white plastic. So I got some paper towels, about 3/4 of a roll, and cleaned up after the thing. It spilled enough water all over the floor, at least, that the A started to be all C’d again.

So now, this is how I plan on emptying it in the future. Shoving. I am the Shover Human, I am here to protect you. Spill your water down the stairs.