Joe: I see
APK: It’s tricky
Joe: to rock or rhyme
APK: to rock a rhyme that’s right on time
APK: (sorry phone)
APK: I met this…. (shit I know this!)
APK: I met this little girlie, her hair was kinda curly
APK: Went to her house and… something something, I had to leave early.
APK: These girls are really sleazy all the say is please me
APK: or spend some time and rock a rhyme, I said ‘it’s not that easy’
APK: It’s tricky! *headbang*
Joe: *clap clap*
Joe: very nice
APK: Thank you
Joe: I was just sitting there trying to remember whether it was “to rock or rhyme it out of time” or “to rock or rhyme, it right on time” or whatever….you far outdid me, and its not even “or”…its rock a rhyme. Damnit!
APK: It’s because you don’t know whose house it is, man.
Joe: I know…its run’s house
APK: No, you can say it all you want, but you don’t *know* it, see? … fuck we’ve just become the script to White Boys Can’t IM. Well. Whatever. Fuck.

Stephen Hawking felt free from his wheelchair for the first time in four decades Thursday, joyously soaring through a zero-gravity flight aimed at opening space travel to everyone.

Four physicians, two nurses, two coaches and two dozen other well-wishers surrounded him during his journey — the type of training flight astronauts take when preparing to work in the weightless space environment.

Hawking, who suffers from ALS — also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease — cannot move or speak without help. Yet he floated in the middle of the cabin of a modified 727 during eight parabolas flown over the Atlantic Ocean off Cape Canaveral.

Grinning widely, Hawking was spun in weightless pirouettes, an apple floating beside him as a reminder of Sir Isaac Newton’s Universal Law of Gravity.

The maneuvers put all those aboard into eight separate free falls, rendering them weightless for a half-minute each time.

The medical staff monitored Hawking’s heart rate, blood pressure, breathing and other vitals throughout the course of the two-hour flight.

Two coaches — Zero Gravity founder Peter Diamandis and former shuttle payload specialist Byron Lichtenberg — made certain that Hawking came to rest gently when the aircraft pulled out of each of the nose dives, generating forces 1.5 times normal gravity.

“It was an incredible day,” Diamandis said. “Far beyond our expectations.”

Noah McMahon, chief marketing officer with Zero Gravity, was not surprised Hawking did so well during aircraft maneuvers that often make flyers nauseous. In fact, NASA astronauts have labeled zero-gravity aircraft “vomit comets.”

“You know, he’s a pretty strong guy. He would have done more had we let him,” McMahon said.

“Six parabolas really was the intended cutoff point,” said Richard Garriott, son of former NASA astronaut Owen Garriott.

“But he was having so much fun, we went for two more, and then we thought we’d better quit while we’re ahead.”

Hawking said he wanted to make the flight for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that he believes Earth is headed for disaster and that the humans species will need a new home in the cosmos.

“I believe that life on Earth is at an ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster such as sudden global warming, nuclear war, a genetically-engineered virus or other dangers,” Hawking said.

“I think the human race has no future if it doesn’t go into space. I therefore want to encourage public interest in space.”

I just saw someone write: “That made me LOL in my head”. All right, fucktard, here’s the play-by-play in case you missed it the first go’round.

LOL is Laugh Out Loud. To Laugh out loud is, generally speaking here, to laugh really hard, verbally, and well, out loud. You know “out loud” right? It’s the thing your Mom would do when her and Daddy were “wrestling” in the other room? Out. Loud.

You can not, and I will repeat this so there is no confusion, can not do anything “out loud” in your head. I know it might create smoke some days, what with the reasoning troubles inherent in the machine there, but it does not do things with audible noise. You know, the kind of noise one does “out loud”? That’s the kind your head doesn’t make internally.

Stupid fuckers.

You’re all fired.

(Via Metro.co.uk, via nom-de-grr): Dog owners ‘fleeced’ in poodle scam

Thousands of people have been ‘fleeced’ into buying neatly coiffured lambs they thought were poodles.

Entire flocks of lambs were shipped over from the UK and Australia to Japan by an internet company and marketed as the latest ‘must have’ accessory.

But the scam was only spotted after a leading Japanese actress said her ‘poodle’ didn’t bark and refused to eat dog food.

Maiko Kawakami, who starred in the Japanese thriller Violent Cop, showed photographs of her pet on a television talk show only to be told it wasn’t a dog - but was in fact a lamb.

The discovery prompted hundreds of women to contact the police with similar problems and the authorities believe as many as 2,000 people have been conned.

‘We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company was selling sheep as poodles,’ a police spokesman told The Sun.

‘Sadly, we think there is more than one company operating in this way.

‘The sheep are believed to have been imported from overseas - Britain and Australia.’

Poodles are famously used by the rich and glamorous on the continent but are extremely rare in Japan, with many people having little idea what they look like.

The company, which translates as Poodles as Pets, sold the ‘poodles’ for £630, about half the cost of a normal poodle but is now understood to have been shut down.

—————————————————————-

Mary had a little poodle,
Little lamb, little poodle,
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fur was white as snow

And everywhere that Mary went,
Mary went, Mary went,
Everywhere that Mary went
The poodle was sure to go

It didn’t bark,
Didn’t bark, didn’t bark
But Mary had a leash,
And that lamb was taken for walks.

—————————————————————-

I’m sorry how do you mistake a LAMB for a POODLE?

One is a LAMB, see? The other would be a POODLE. One is a dog, the other is a sheep. Sheep bleat! They baa! They don’t bark! I mean it took this woman going “Well it doesn’t bark or eat dog food at all but I’m not sure” and telling it as a funny story and then showing pictures to work that one out? And then, after that, tons of other people came forward, realizing their mistake? What the fuck?

POODLE.

LAMB.

They are not the same!

Headline of the day:

TV ads boost eating of obese children by 130%
Sadly what they meant was: “Overweight and obese children increase the amount of food they eat by more than 130 per cent after watching food adverts on TV, a study revealed yesterday.”

But to hell with that.

I will now claim that the TV commercials make me eat babies!

(via WCSH 6) - Costumed Captain America Arrested In Burrito Assault

According to police, a man dressed as Captain America attacked a woman inside a Melbourne, Florida bar.

She says he came into the bar brandishing a burrito, made rude suggestions and grabbed her between her thighs.

Officials said the woman’s boyfriend fought him off and called police.

Police said that when they got to the establishment, they found several men matching what should have been a unique description.

Police said the situation stemmed from a pub crawl sponsored by a pharmaceutical company in which the participants wore costumes.

———————————————————————-

My thoughts, in order:

• Where did D.J. Kirkbride score a Captain America costume? (but then I read past the headline and saw it wasn’t an assault ON burritos.)
• He made rude suggestions with a burrito? What kind of burrito was it? Does that change things for anyone else, because it changes things for me.
• Wait, if he was brandishing the burrito, maybe it was D.J.
• Iron Man probably had something to do with this.
• The story is still better than the 1990 Captain America movie.
• Iron Man probably had something to do with that, as well.
• Maybe Iron Man is D.J. Kirkbride and he wears armor to hide the fact that he has burritos close to him at all times.
• But why would he then give Captain America a burrito instead of just hoarding them?
• AH HA! Iron Man was the woman who was assaulted with the burrito!
• I’m hungry, and would like a burrito now.

First up - how not to make a goal in soccer:

Secondly - Go on, take a chance:

Sometimes I get bored and do things. Things like this:

At home: Wireless mouse

At work: Wired mouse

And then I did sit here, at work, and spend a good solid minute of my life trying to lift my mouse so I could check the bottom of it. I tried to tug it towards me, but it was “stuck” on something and wouldn’t come free. I tugged and tugged and fought against it and couldn’t work out what it could be stuck on, since it didn’t… have… a… cord. Right. Then I remembered that it did, in fact, have a wire. And I set it down. And I shook my head.