I need to stop wasting my time. And yeah, there are those of you who think of how many projects I have and wonder how that’s wasting time. I mean I’m getting all this shit done, right? I’m doing all this work. I’m getting tons done.

Yeah but it’s the wrong stuff, a bunch of it.

I need to be focused more on the goal and less on the flash of shine and fun. Yeah that project over there is cool as hell and seems like fun, but it is a writing gig. Which means I’ll have to write it. Which isn’t fun.

Incoming Secret of the Universe: Writing isn’t fun. It’s work. Having written is fun. Having thought up ideas is fun. Making a paragraph work, despite itself, and slaving away for long hours when you just wanna do anything else - this is not fun. Sitting alone all the time and forcing yourself to not stop and relax but instead push yourself harder and fight and struggle to make every word matter is not fun. It can be rewarding. It is not fun.

But the having written part is a blast. The sitting around and free thinking all the cool shit you could possibly do, that’s a ton of fun. The actual work and nuts and bolts of writing isn’t fun. I’m sure there are people out there who find it all fun and light and joy. They’re cracked. Hey, more power to ‘em, they’re crazy in a good way I suppose. Still? Crazy.

Anyway. So I spend a large portion of my life working and hitting walls because I am convinced it’s fun, because the early and end parts are. The middle? Never really is. So why do I take the projects that don’t make me enough cash, get me somewhere good or are really targeted to do what I want with my skills?

There are a bunch of reasons and each one has its place. So I’ll take each in turn:

Fear - Certainly an element of it. It’s easier to do small fun things that go no where. There’s no risk in it. There’s no worry of pressure or stretching myself and people tend to like that stuff I do that way anyway, so why not keep doing it? It’s safe, you understand. It doesn’t pay, it doesn’t get me anywhere, but it’s safe and easy.

Time - If I keep myself as busy as possible with all sorts of projects then I feel like I’m accomplishing things, even if I’m not. Especially if I’m not. I must be doing things, since I’m so busy. I don’t have time for that other big project that will get me somewhere. Nope. Have all these little things to do. They add up. I keep myself busy so I don’t have to actually work. Sick thought, that. Also? Kinda true.

Self-worth - I can look back on all the stuff I’ve done, safe and easy and simple and numerous, and feel good about myself but also get that wonderful nagging self-hate that I’m worthless or I’d be working on bigger and better things. Of course I’m avoiding doing those, so I can reach this point. But still, if all I’m doing is this stuff then it must be all I’m good for.

There are other reasons. Whatever.

And here’s the thing - I do not regret or dislike any of the work I’ve done (this statement is not true, there is one story I wrote and got published that I am not fond of at all, but I won’t tell you which), in fact I love it. I might bitch about it sometimes but really I do love the stories I’ve told.

So it isn’t that I’ve been “wasting my time with this stupid crap I hate” so much as it is “I’ve done all this good work. Why haven’t I done it for the right place and at the right level?”

Maybe it’s just fucking time I found a way to do this. Maybe it’s time I stop sinking my own boat. Maybe it’s time I embraced what I can do and what I’m good at.