So all right. I have no shame so let’s get this story out in the open. True Story time, kids.

Tonight. Crossing the street to a friend’s house. Four lane street: two lanes each way. On my side of the street there are two ambulances and a small fire vehicle. Due to this I decide I can wait a half a foot further out in the street for traffic to pass me because they have to all move out of the first lane of traffic and into the second.

Hold on I’ll draw it. The solid lines are the sidewalks. The …’s are lanes of traffic. the center is the center line of the street. Ambulances are xxx’s cars are nnn’s and I am A. No the lines are NOT even. Fuck off.

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………………………………xxx…xxx..xxx………..A……….nnn……nnn…nnn…
…………………………….nnn……………nnn…nnn…..nnn…………………………..
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………………………………….nnn…………………nnn……………….nnn……………
……………………………………….nnn…………………………….nnn…………………
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Got that? Good. So there I am, waiting for the light to change and standing well clear of anything bad. When suddenly!

Suddenly!

I mean, like, suddenly and shit here, a Chinese delivery guy enters the scene on his bike. I can not add him to my diagram because he was going between lanes and weaving and shit. No problem, this is what they do.

Except.

I… well except that as he went past me he swung by me and cut out very sharply. This did not touch me. The bike did not touch me.

The bag of Chinese food on the other hand. Well that swung right into my crotch at speed. It was going, I clocked this, at the Speed of FUCKING OW. Delivery guy didn’t notice. I didn’t really react too much to it, because I wasn’t gonna double over, or drop or anything in a street with traffic. So I stood there and didn’t say anything. He had no idea that he hit me, and still has no idea of the fact.

However. My crotch and some Moo Shu Pork collided with great force.

I think the Moo Shu won.

I also think, I have to add, that I’m sure my face betrayed the moment and assuming it did I must have looked about like this:

My crotch! Fuck YOU, Moo Shu Pork!